Halloween Weekend Summary

October 30, 2006 at 7:45 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

To bring you up to speed, my girlfriend, her sister, a friend of mine, and I had gone up to Boston for one of my friends birthdays (who is currently residing in Boston) and also for Halloween weekend.

Here is a quick wrap-up with some entertaining stories.

 

  1. The city of Boston’s streets were laid out and planned by a group of mentally handicapped senile Down-syndrome suffering adults who suffer from dementia.  I’m absolutely certain about this, regardless of what other information is provided.
  2. To get a hotel in Boston, one would have to pay $300+ a night.  Seeing as how I am not Tom Brady, I stayed in a hotel outside of Boston for $180/night.  (7 miles outside to be exact)  Apparantly this 7 miles would be a lot shorter if THE ROADS FUCKING STAYED THE SAME.  If you own a map or atlas relating to Boston, and it is over 2 days old, THROW IT OUT.  We were on 1 road that changed names 3 times, at least 3 roads that just RANDOMLY split into two, and then one MAGICALLY became a 1-way COMING the opposite direction, and also, I was able to find 2 roads that were one-way Dead ends.

I’ll let you read that last line again.

Got it?

One-way dead ends.

How the FUCK do you get out of a one-way dead end legally?

  1. The only real way to get around Boston is walking. The Proposed “T line” which is supposed be “as good” as the NYC subways, are far from it.  They are slow as balls, they don’t seem to know which way they are going (Outbound Vs. Inbound… one would assume this means “from Boston” or “To Boston.”  This is a bad assumption.  And most importantly, they stop running at 12:30 AM.  This is terrible because the Bars have last call at 2.  (really 1:30 AM)  This means you have to rely heavily on the taxi cab company.  Here’s what resulted.
    1. Walked out of the bars, joined about 25 people trying to fit in 1 taxi.  No good. 
    2. Walked to the nearest corner, took about 10 minutes to flag down 1 taxi, when I told him we were going to a place outside of boston, he drove away, thinking he was awesome.
    3. Crossed another street, waited to flag down another taxi.  I needed to piss, so I let the good yellow river flow behind a 7-11 (which, unusually enough, there was 1 down every corner, even more so than a Starbucks, but we did not see 1 Boston Market…. Strange.)
    4. Post-pissage, I see two whiteboys on the corner where I was attempting to flag down a cab.  So I move about 30 feet in front of them, try to flag one down.  I then hear a very faint, “hey, lines back here, get behind us.”

My response, “what did you say to me?”

“I said, get behind me.  You cant get a cab ahead of me.  Get in line.  Or…”

“Or what, whitey?  I don’t get behind NOBODY.  What fuckin line do you see?  Does this look like a taxi booth to you?  It’s a fucking street.”

“I said, get in line.”

“yeah, ok.”  (I proceed to get in the road now, trying to flag down a taxi)

“You get a cab, I’m pulling you out”

“Fucking come over here and say that to me”

(At this point, Anna is trying to say, “let me catch a cab, he wont do anything to a girl”  and I calmly retort, “fine, you get a cab, I’ma beat his ass”)

Whiteboy responds back, “I’ll pull you both out, throw you in the river”

“Is that your threat?  Fucking moron.  You’ll throw me in a river? Nice one.  I’ll kick your ass, and your friends ass, if you keep talking to me”

At this point my friend walks over, and now it’s a 2-2 guy ratio.  What happens?  The whiteboys get pissed and walk down the road. 

I’m not sure If I’m more pissed at my friend for 1) stepping in that late, or 2) stepping in at all, and thus, squashing any chance of me putting a whiteboys face through a windshield.  It wasn’t just the alcohol in me that made me believe I could win a 2 on 1, but his other friend was whispering behind him, “cut it out, cut it out”  Yeah, I totally would have beaten some whiteboy ass that night.  (we did get a cab, about 40 minutes after leaving the bar)

Finally we get back to the hotel, and proceed to play cards and continue drinking.  We all had a very intoxicatingly good time.  And that was Friday.

 

Saturday was recovery day, as we did not get out of the Hotel till about 2 PM.  After a bunch of us showered, we dropped my buddy off at his place to get cleaned up, while we got food.  He then called me 20 min. later b/c he wanted to join, so I offered to pick him up. 

While attempting to leave this parking lot, I was faced with a very strange intersection.  There was an island on my side, which forced me to go right, onto a completely different road, or to take the left.  There was no lines, so I was not sure (and still am not sure) if that was a 1-way road.  I proceed to take the left, I saw a green light in my general direction, and continued.  I was then sitting about 3 feet infront of a Police officer who was trying to turn right.  I give him the right of way, and when I can, I floor it,  Just in case he was thinking about turning around (feasibly impossible in that intersection) I figured I’d make a get-away.  It worked.  Either that, or he saw the NY License plates and said, “shit, I don’t know where I’m going, how the fuck would he know.  I can’t pull him over for something like that.”

I pick him up, we all eat food, and that’s where things get a lil crazy.  Anna and her sister wanted to meet up with friends 10 minutes away (walking) but about 30 minutes, 4 1-way’s, and 3 illegal U-turns later.  My friend Clark has a brilliant idea of driving to “

“Haavad Bars” to see what that’s all about.  I didn’t care, as long as it involved drinking. 

 

We proceed to drive around, each of us examining the current map thoroughly.  We get to Harvard Square.  There are plenty of bars and lots of people on the street.  We think it’s a good idea to go here.

Problem was: AINT NO GODDAMN PLACE WE CAN PARK. 

So we drive around side-streets looking to park, only getting ourselves more and more lost.  We certainly weren’t on the map any more, that’s for sure.

Now One can blame this on us just taking random lefts and rights, but I would also say it can be attributed to the fact that Clark and I were rolling down our windows and screaming out obscenities at random folk, as if we were suffering from Tourets.  These were some of the words we used, loudly and quickly:NUTBAG, BALL HAIR, ASS CREAM, BUUUUUTTT SEX.  This was a nut-bagging good time.

Karma’s a bitch.  We spent the next 30 minutes looking for how to get back.

 

Elongated story made semi-short: Lots of driving, 3 hours, 2 bars, 1 drink.  Not a great time.

But it was highlighted by the fact that we decided to wait for the girls by the car, then figured we had some time to kill, walked to the corner bar, turned back around because they tried to charge a $10 cover for 1 drink, and then we over hear, “the transvestite bar down the corner, there, provides plenty of amusing characters.” 

Thank GOD we did not step into that bar.

 

And Finally, we went to a costume party.

 

Here’s who I was:

 

 

And I was AWESOME. 

 

And now, your time is up.

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morning radio

September 26, 2006 at 1:28 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

I think we can all agree that the “prime-time” alarm settings are every quarter hour, i.e. 6:00 AM, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, etc.

Why is it that radio stations don’t get this concept?

today, my Alarm went off at 6, and the first thing I hear is “suspect for a local murder still on the loose, police are still searching for an armed man….” I get up to set snooze for 6:15, and get the quick worry about whether or not I locked my door, then I realized, that if anyone woke me with intent to kill me, I would legally be allowed to let the pythons loose.  (or be allowed to lent pent-up frustration loose while screaming out, “THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR MAKING ME DO ALL THIS MONKEY WORK IN MY OFFICE, ASSFACE!”)

my alarm at 6:15 is the same Radio DJ’s talking about the tragedy of steve Irwin.  Give it a goddamn break, the dude provoked animals for a living, you know his dumbass was gonna die from something, whether it was a viscious mauling from a panther, a bear claw to his neck, or a sting ray to the heart.  Lesson learned: DONT FUCK WITH WILD ANIMALS, EVEN IF YOU ARE A COOKY AUSSIE.  THEY WILL KILL YOU.  (my condolences)

then at 6:30, they got that evanessence song, where the chorus is, “dont cry to me”

why not play a song like, “listen pal, your life fucking sucks, why are you even bothering to get up and out of bed.  why not just lay in your own rotting filth until your neighbor notices the stench of death coming from your side of the hall”

You would figure they would play some up-beat music, even if it sucks.  I mean, wouldn’t you want your life to be brilliant?  wouldn’t you want to muster every ounce of confidence you have?  Cannon ball into the water?  Get up, get up, and get down, to just, jump around? OF COURSE YOU WOULD.

Stupid Radio DJ’s.  They really suck.

now that rant was just the beginning of my morning.  Just wonder whats in store for the rest of the day….

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I had a really good post

September 7, 2006 at 11:04 am (Random Awesomenessity)

I spent about 30 minutes yesterday, creating what seemed like a scientific article, about how sports helps and hinders production, but stupid wordpress lost it.

so here is a brief summary:

hypothesis: Sports can be a negative AND positive dual-causality effect for production.

Body: 

– forced to dwell in never-ending cubicle land, forced into conversation.

– instead of talking about gay stuff like staining decks and what their stupid fat kids did the other day, we talk about sports.  Something im interested in.

– can spend a good 2 hours + just talking abotu sports.

– good for employee morale, bad for production. 

– conversely, poor employee morale is bad for production as well.

summary : I am awesome, my fantasy football team is better than Rich’s, and I will rock.

I would have given that paper an A-.    I have to be somewhat modest.

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Weekend roundup

August 28, 2006 at 1:43 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

I’m back.

Left Thursday in the daytime to go to Niagara Falls.  good times, good pictures, very cool over there, nice city.  There seemed to be a LOT more to do there than there was in Montreal.  Atleast in the daytime.  Didn’t really hit any nightclubs or anything like that, went to a couple of bar’s that were walking distance, but they weren’t too shabby at all.  Everything was expensive as hell, though.  Example: Went to get breakfast in the morning, went to the restaurant attached to the hotel.  I’m not a huge fan of eggs, so i skip the $7.00, 2 eggs, hash browns, and toast breakfast.  Not bad, but kind of expensive.  Turns out this was the best option there.

I saw the cheapest thing on the menu, a muffin.  I ask the waitress what type they offer.  “Chocolate chip, bran, or corn”  What a terribly selection.  I ask her to toast the chocolate chip.  She looks at me like i’m retarted and asking her to soak it in blood, too.  “We dont toast muffins here, we microwave them.”  Now i’m thinking this is that whole frenchie bullshit with mayonaise instead of Ketchup for fries or whatever, so i say, “ok, just bring me the muffin.”

Somehow, some way, everybody gets their breakfast before my muffin.  So of course, when my food comes by, people are inclined to view.  What a view they got.

I got 2 muffins.  (don’t applaud yet)  They were the size of the mini-cupcakes you can buy at the grocery store.  I’m not kidding you.  I paid $2.25 Canadian ($2.10 US) for a 1 inch DIAMETER x 1 inch DEPTH muffin.  we are talking 1, MAYBE 2 biters at most.

but that’s not the worst part… Before i open up the menu, i’m ased if i want coffee.  I say yes, she starts pouring, and I open the menu, and i say OUT LOUD, “$2.95 for COFFEE!?!”  she continues to pour.  WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT??? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CHARGE $3 FOR DINER COFFEE, BUT POUR BEFORE THE PRICE IS EVEN VALIDATED!!!!????!!!!

This put me in such a mood.  I was ready to throw shit right there.  I made sure the waitress got no more than a 5% tip.  Fucking whore.  I hope she takes that $2.25 muffin, sticks it so far up her ass, and then burns herself with $2.95 coffee, so her face gets completely discombubulated.  And then i hope she falls off the falls onto a Jagged rock, only to disembowel herself.

Aside from that, the Falls were pretty dope.  Cool to look at, interesting little factoids.  All in all, i recommend it.  Can’t give you much about the night-life though, hopefully it’s pretty good.

Sunday – CBS Fantasy Draft (money League)  $75 entry fee, $100 if you win the division, $380 to 1st, $190 for second.  Not too shabby.  Hope I do awesomely.  12 teams, I had 8th Pick.  Here’s my team:

STARTERS: 

QB: Trent Green, KC (7th Round)  

Best QB available by then.

RB: Ronnie Brown, MIA (1st round, 8th Pick)

Liked him better than Cadillac, S.Jax, and Lamont/Rudi

RB: Kevin Jones, Det (3rd Round)

Hoping he does better this year, could be huge under Martz.

WR: Chad Johnson, Cin (2nd round, 16th pick)

Liked him better than Holt, TO.  Fitz and Steve Smith gone

WR: Javon Walker, Den (5th Round)

Needed a good 2nd WR, best avail. housh and wayne gone

TE: L.J. Smith, Phi (10th round)

Run on TE’s this round, after LJ, Jerramy Stevens (yuck)

Def: Bengals (13th round)

Half of them should be on Parole, would need to get frustrations out on the field.

BENCH:

QB: Drew Brees, NO (8th round)

The best backup from all 12 teams, can play the matchups.

RB: Deshaun Foster, Car (4th round)

If he’s healthy, he’ll carry the load, hoping a Thomas Jones effect with arrival of cedric benson

RB: Lendale White, Ten (6th)

Predicting he’ll start by week 6

WR: Deion Branch, NE (9th)

If he goes somewhere, he’ll be nasty.  If he stays, he better play SOON.

WR: Chad Jackson, NE (11th) 

my bigtime Sleeper if Branch is M.I.A.  Physically like TO

TE: Jermain Wiggins, Min (12th)

Told you TE was whack… Wiggins was best out there.

Def: New England Pats (14th)

“Look at the schedule!”  <– Woody Paige

K:   Jeff Reed, Pit (15th)

Whatever.  should get FG’s.  last pick.  Didn’t want to root for Olindo Mare.  Think i’d rather have  hemmorhoid.

If you have any input, i’d like to hear it.

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Cant wait to get out of here

August 22, 2006 at 2:16 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

I actually got into work early today.  Seriously.

Woke up at 6:15, went to the bathroom.  basically shot blanks.  Thought I would be OK. 

went Jogging at 6:35.  Doing quite well, might I add.  Started picking up the pace about 2 songs in, when Joe Budden’s “Pump it up” starts playing.  Legs feeling sore, but that “good sore.”  About 1 mile into it, i feel a turtle head trying to sneak through.

Where the hell was this mofo when his little baby turtles went swimming at 6:20 ??

i realize by the time i’ve gone over the hill that I’m going to need to drop deuce quite soon.  I’m now on the bridge over Highway 890.  Contemplate turning around, noted a large plot of land a little while back with a lot of trees.  Could be dark enough to take a sweet dump.  Realized i’d have to run back home “not-so-fresh” for a mile.

So I continue on my jog, because I had to make it a nice round number.  Turn back at 1.25 mi, now im starting to worry.

on my way back, i pass the trees.  The sun is out and its too bright for me to not be noticed.   I now am in fear of wanting to fart and have a slippery one.

about 2 miles in, I pas by the gas station.  I’d rather shit myself than sit on that toilet seat.

finally, 2.5 miles later, i get home.  No time to “cool down,” I sprint down to the shitter.  madness ensues in the form of brown hot-fire showers.

 after all is said and done, I shower, change up, pack my lunch, and its only 7:35 AM.  holy crap.  I had nothing better to do, and realized I want to leave early to pick up my copy of Madden 07.  So I went in to work, got in at 7:43 AM.

Now, I really, REALLY can’t wait to get out of work.  I don’t forsee me playing Madden till about 10 PM tonight, but it will be well worth the wait.

Upon re-reading this post, I realize i have waxed poetic about how bad I had to take a dump.  Am I worried about this?  Not at all.  He who re-reads and paraphrases himself is not sure of his statements, and thus, is not sure of himself.

 And I, for one, am sure of my awesomeness, and have the inner freedom to divulge interesting points of my life, even if they include defocation.

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Thursday wrap-up

August 16, 2006 at 5:17 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

yeah, I know, it says thursday.  thats exactly what today feels like, for some reason.

I don’t really know why.  This just means tommorow is going to SUCK, HARD, when I wake up and go, “SHIT, ITS THURSDAY AGAIN!?!”

aside from that, all things are gravy.

Boys just called me down to play a little Ultimate frisbee (but more likely FOOTBALL!) in the SUNY Albany fountain, so that will be dope.  And after that,  I dont know, I dont know!?! Maybe a little bed, bath, and beyond?  I don’t know if we’ll have enough TIME!

oh, just a little rant today…

After work, i went to the Gas station to pump gas into my car.  theres a guy in front of me, so i pull up behind him.  I start pumping, and he pulls away.  Now there is a spot ahead of me.

Some stupid lady comes right behind me, sticks her fat head out the window, and asks, “you planning on moving up?”  all sternly. 

Mind you, i’m MID-PUMP.  I’ve filled in $10, and i’ve still got a ways to go. So i told the bitch,

“nope, I don’t move for ugly people.”

She got so upset, she just flat-out left the gas station, perhaps avoiding a confrontation, knowing full-well that if i call her ugly while handling flammable liquid outside my car, she might end up burnt to a crisp.

Either that, or she had to go see her psychiatrist, for some self-loathing issues.

Whatever, she was ugly, and she deserved it.

I think the worst part was, I didn’t think twice about what I was going to say.  In fact, I didn’t think ONCE.

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how awesome is NPH?

August 15, 2006 at 4:41 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

for those of you NOT in the know, NPH is short for Neil Patrick Harris.

This gentleman is about as AWESOME as being first to climb the agro-crag, or winning the Eliminator in American Gladiators after having a 10 second handicap against you.

Yes, NPH is that awesome.

did you know that NPH decided to make dinosaurs extinct?  Doogie Howser giveth, and Doogie Howser taketh away.

This rant is because of the awesomeness of a show called, How I met your mother.  its on CBS, Monday’s at 8:30 PM.  I recommend this show only for NPH, because he truly steals the show.

don’t believe me?  watch it.

a couple of his quotes:

Wan’t to know what the little cherry was on-top of the cherry placed just above the mounds of ice-cream that represents the AWESOME-ness that is my life?  Not only did i see her again, I banged her.

Do you know what type of day this will be? LEGEN <i hope you’re not lactose-intolerant because the next word is> DARY!

If that isn’t enough, you, sir, have no Testicles, and should resort to watching bootlegged Charles Bronson movies for the rest of your miserable life.

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Don’t talk to me when I pee.

August 8, 2006 at 2:56 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

Lets clarify a couple of things real quickly…

Firstly, you do NOT talk to someone else while in a bathroom stall.  This includes cell phones.  It’s not just rude to the person on the phone, especially when you stop talking to let out a fart that gets resonance from the porcelain throne, but it’s also rude to others whom are struggling to get rid of the flame-shits that happen 6-8 hours after a giant buffalo-wing eating contest.

Secondly, much like the first rule, you do NOT talk while standing at the urinal.  I’m pretty sure we all know about the Urinal Game, or at least, the Urinal rules.  (Yes, these are unwritten rules, but we ALL must follow it.)  But, in other un-remediable circumstances, such as the 2-urinal bathroom, one is forced to be right next to each other.  You obviously do not look over (understood) but you must also NOT ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION.

This might seem rude if you work with the person, but please, do NOT talk to someone while decorating the wall with yellow streams.  It is not right to discuss office-related subjects while attempting to dissolve the urine cake.

I don’t want to know about what you’ve done so far, or how stupid your kid is for sliding into 3rd base instead of running to first off a shitty 6-foot hit off a batting Tee.  I don’t care.  My sole goal is to zip, flop, piss, wash, peace.

We can converse before any article of clothing is moved, or we can discuss the physical retardation of your child while washing hands, but please, know that once you have crossed the threshhold of the first stall / urinal, no conversation should commence.

Side note – Women who insist on making you leave the seat down… If you aren’t paying the rent/ mortgage, don’t tell us how to leave our toilet seats.

And trying to come back with, “do you know how uncomfortable it is to sit on porcelain?” Only puts you in a bigger hole…

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN?  DO YOU NOT LOOK WHERE YOU PLANT YOUR ASS?? ARE YOU TAKING A RUNNING 180 DEGREE LEAP, ASS FIRST, ONTO THE POT?  FUCKING LOOK DOWN BEFORE YOU SIT.

You want to talk uncomfortable?  Come over my house, leave the seat down.  I’ll take a piss, there WILL be pee-residue, I WONT put the chair back up, and you can then take your ass-first plunge onto a nicely peed-on toilet seat.

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Scarface

August 3, 2006 at 11:08 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

perhaps its just me, but while watching Scarface, one feels the need to yell out, “aye CONJO! (pronounced con-YO) ehh FOCK JOO, MENG!”

Someone actually asked me one time, “why do people like Scarface?”

Really?  You’re asking me why people like Scarface?  what are you, a retard from Japan who watches anime all day and pretends your one of those Dragonball guys who floats around in a cloud or some shit?

If you didn’t know, the appeal of Scarface is that of a primal man, one who speaks from the heart, goes on emotion, yet has enough wit (or street-smarts) to keep himself above water, and has the determination and drive that can not be comprehended by anyone else.

If that wasn’t a good description, you should try watching the whole thing, but take yourself out of your caucazoidal perspective, and start looking from the botom of the social ladder, up.

and call everybody “meng” from now on.

It’s good entertainment, Ii promise.

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Only in Wyoming

July 17, 2006 at 9:32 am (Random Awesomenessity)

3 Found dead in Wyoming

Here’s the kicker, folks…

Laramie police Commander Dale Stalder said investigators were treating the deaths early Sunday as a triple murder but don’t think there is any danger to the community…”We just don’t have all the facts yet,” 

Yeeaaaaaah…. “Don’t be alarmed folks, 3 people are dead, but really, it’s allllll good, ain’t noffin to worry ’bout.  No siree bob.  Now just go back to doin what you was doin, takin care of your cows an’ all that.  See you at Church, Norma-Jean.  Beg ya’ pardon, n’ have a good night, Ma’am.  Billy Joe, quit molestin’ them there chicken fences.”

 Considerring the fact that Wyoming just lost like 15% of their population in that murder scene, don’t you think there should be a little caution?

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