Work Sucks

September 28, 2006 at 7:39 pm (Relating to Work)

Hey,

here’s a great idea to boost morale…

firstly, you give everyone monkey work, which can easiley be described as monotonous, droning work that even a simple ape could do while drunk off a bottle of Jim Beam.

next step, you yell at the monkeys for slacking off when there is no monkey work to be done, because it has all been completed in a timely fashion and done well.  (because lets face it, even if i was a ‘Tard with down syndrome and no arms, I would still be able to do this work)

finally, 10 minutes after you threaten to fire them, you give them even more monkey work, with the phrases, “these are very important” and “an auditor WILL come knocking, asking you questions that even I dont know, and expect you to take responsibility for this”

Hey, thanks for making an employee feel wanted, welcomed, and enthusiastic to try hard.

Dipshits.

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morning radio

September 26, 2006 at 1:28 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

I think we can all agree that the “prime-time” alarm settings are every quarter hour, i.e. 6:00 AM, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, etc.

Why is it that radio stations don’t get this concept?

today, my Alarm went off at 6, and the first thing I hear is “suspect for a local murder still on the loose, police are still searching for an armed man….” I get up to set snooze for 6:15, and get the quick worry about whether or not I locked my door, then I realized, that if anyone woke me with intent to kill me, I would legally be allowed to let the pythons loose.  (or be allowed to lent pent-up frustration loose while screaming out, “THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR MAKING ME DO ALL THIS MONKEY WORK IN MY OFFICE, ASSFACE!”)

my alarm at 6:15 is the same Radio DJ’s talking about the tragedy of steve Irwin.  Give it a goddamn break, the dude provoked animals for a living, you know his dumbass was gonna die from something, whether it was a viscious mauling from a panther, a bear claw to his neck, or a sting ray to the heart.  Lesson learned: DONT FUCK WITH WILD ANIMALS, EVEN IF YOU ARE A COOKY AUSSIE.  THEY WILL KILL YOU.  (my condolences)

then at 6:30, they got that evanessence song, where the chorus is, “dont cry to me”

why not play a song like, “listen pal, your life fucking sucks, why are you even bothering to get up and out of bed.  why not just lay in your own rotting filth until your neighbor notices the stench of death coming from your side of the hall”

You would figure they would play some up-beat music, even if it sucks.  I mean, wouldn’t you want your life to be brilliant?  wouldn’t you want to muster every ounce of confidence you have?  Cannon ball into the water?  Get up, get up, and get down, to just, jump around? OF COURSE YOU WOULD.

Stupid Radio DJ’s.  They really suck.

now that rant was just the beginning of my morning.  Just wonder whats in store for the rest of the day….

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Week 2 NFL wrap-up

September 19, 2006 at 10:14 am (Sports rants)

Here’s where I comment on every NFL game, even if it needs no commentary.  And so I begin…

 

Tampa Bay Vs. Atlanta

Why even bother passing the ball when your running game is that good?  The Falcons tallied 458 yards on the ground.  Most teams don’t tally that much TOTAL yardage.

Vick opted not to pass, and took to his feet on numerous occasions.  It seems Tampa Bay and their once-known “Vick Stopper” in Derrick Brooks can not do what they need to when it comes down to it.

 

Detroit Vs. Chicago

Detroit let Rex Grossman pass for 4 TD’s.  I think that should say enough.

Side note: Lions wideout Roy Williams posed after catching a first down.  They were down by 10 at this point.  When asked why he posed, Williams responded with, “its not my fault the Lions are so bad, but I should be rewarded for making a first down.” (SIC)

 

Cleveland Vs. Cincinnati

I really hope no one actually bet that Cleveland would even come close to their spread.  Whatever the spread was, you should have known Cleveland would not have been able to cover it.  Cincy wins this one big time.  Palmer looks like 2005 Palmer.  That’s good.

 

N’Orleans vs. the Pack

The Packers actually played like they should have, where it would be a high-flying, no-defense game.  I think the only difference between Brett Favre on Sunday and Brett Favre of last year is that people (Donald Driver) actually CAUGHT his passes.  And therein lies the solution.  GET BETTER RECEIVERS.  Side note: Green Bay signed Koren “0.08 BAC” Robinson.  Perhaps he was signed because he has good hands.  Perhaps he was signed because him and Maurice Clarrett were AA meeting buddies, and they are looking 3 ½ years into the future.  Also, New Orleans looked pretty good, barring a horrendous 1st half for Brees.  I hate to use the cliché, but it was a regular “gun-slinging” matchup between Brees and Favre.

 

Peyton Manning Vs. the Texans

Don’t you think it’s a bit wrong that Tony Dungy kept Manning in and kept calling passing plays?  I appreciate the fantasy points, but still, one would hope you’d protect your franchise players!  By the way, no one gives a crap about the Texans, anyway.

 

Buffalo Vs. Miami

Culpepper’s passes were pretty poor.  Say that 5 times fast. 

Daunte just looked uncomfortable.  This should have been a guaranteed win.

 

**BREAKING NEWS:  T.O. Just had an Egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast.  More details later on. **

 

Carolina Vs. Minnesota

WHAT THE HELL WAS COACH JOHN FOX OF THE PANTHERS THINKING????

“well, we’re up a TD, theres only 5 minutes or so to play… what the hell, lets go BONKERS and throw a trick play in there.”  Great job, Dick-face.  This isn’t College Football, where bootlegs and laterals are requirements.  Just return the ball, run down the clock, and kick a field goal to make it a 2 score game.  Penis mouth.  Ryan Longwell, Minnesota’s Kicker, scored all 16 of Minnesota’s points, with 3 Field goals and a TD pass to take the game into OT.

From ESPN.com:  “I should’ve kept the ball.”  — Chris Gamble, Punt returner and horrible lateral-passer.

 

G-men Vs. the Eagles

I’m not going to lie, I turned this game off during the 3rd quarter, because the G-men were playing almost as bad as the Raiders were.  I would deem this more as the Eagles losing than the Giants winning.  And since it’s impossible to not talk about T.O. when we talk about the Eagles, I bet they could have used T.O. as a cornerback, because he’s so tall and so strong, that he could have covered Plaxico Burress on that “walk-off” Touchdown.

 

Oakland vs. Baltimore

I checked CBS Sportsline’s updated stats on Aaron Brooks, and all it said was: 2 Fumbles Lost.  Note, there were NO PASSES THROWN, CAUGHT, runs, etc.  How does this man suck so hard?  How do the Raiders manage to suck so hard?  Would they even be able to win a flag football league in Plattsburgh?

 

St. Louis vs. San Francisco

Either the 49ers offense has gotten significantly better, or the Rams Defense sucks as hard as the Raiders Offense.  Where did Marc Bulger go?  Anybody?  Anybody?

 

Arizona vs. Seattle

I really thought this was going to be a higher-scoring game.  I guess Kurt Warner didn’t thank Jesus loud enough after last week’s game.

 

Kansas City Vs. Denver

Yet another game I would have thought would have been a high-scoring affair.  This one  was flat out boring.  But it does not come close to the Jags-Steelers game (as mentioned below)

 

Patriots Vs. The Jets

Not going to lie, after watching the G-men come back to win in OT, I actually had a false sense of hope that Pennington could do the same.  I guess theres only 1 miracle in NYC this time.

 

Tennesee Vs. San Diego

Wow, Tennesee’s defense sucks SO HARD that LT2 rested the 2nd half, and his backup, Michael Turner, Racked up 138 yards rushing.  Hell, Phillip Rivers had 235 yards passing.

Washington Vs. Dallas

This game wasn’t about Washington’s terrible offense, or Brunell’s lack of QB skill, or Bledsoe’s lack of mobility.  Nope, none of that.  It was all about T.O. breaking his right ring finger. 

 

Pittsburgh Vs. Jacksonville

If we take away the fact that a field goal was worth 3 points instead of 1, we would have a score of 3 kicks to nothing.  Does this seem like a 1 sided soccer match to you?  No?  Of course not, no one wants to watch something as low-scoring as that.

Hear that, FIFA?  Change the scoring… Headers are worth 6, Bicycle kicks = 7, Penalty shots =3, and you can add trick-points to that based on judges decision on how tough the shot was.

 And to conclude, following that breaking report on T.O.’s breakfast sandwich, he said it was pretty good.  He even discarded the wrapper in the garbage can.  And his fart smelled of a mixture of pungeant aroma’s, a blend of Cumin and Paprika.

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NFL wrapup – week 1

September 12, 2006 at 11:18 am (Sports rants)

Tuesday Morning wrap-ups of the week, which include little bits here and there –

Miami vs. Pittsburgh – Daunte definitely did not look 2004, definitely looked 2005.  Not a good sign for the Dolphins.  I’ll give him a break though, 1st week after a serious surgery with a new team.  He will need to step it up.  Ronnie Brown got 2 TD’s, but barely any yardage.  Same goes for his counterpart from back in the Auburn days, where the caddilac was seemingly on cinderblocks without wheels, rushing for only 24 yards.  yikes.

Pats vs. Buffalo – the Bills shocked me, taking a 17-7 lead, scoring off a quick Brady fumble.  I actually thought they were going to pull off a huge upset.  I was wrong, losman made a mistake that High School kids are told not to do.  Brady looked bad without good WR’s.  Lets Hope Chad Jackson comes up HUGE.  Sidenote:  the pats got SCREWED with Branch.  and GOOD for branch.  The pats dared him to get better money from someone else, and he did.  2 people offered 6 million more GUARANTEED MONEY.  They were even willing to give N.E. a #1 Pick, even though branch was a SECOND ROUNDER.  New England asked for too much, Branch called them out on it, threatened to get an arbitrator, and N.E. caved in.  I hope Branch will become Seatle’s #1 WR soon.

New Orleans vs Cleveland – 2 Words: Reggie. Bush.  This guy truly brings a dynamic to their offense.  They have a true up-the-middle RB ins Deuce McAllister, and a guy who can break a 40 yard run just as quickly as catching a 40 yard diving TD reception.  Wow.  I thought it was too much hype.  Granted, it was cleveland, but the Browns Defense isn’t as bad as you would think. 

Seattle vs Detroit – how the HELL did this game suck so hard?  the game was 9 – 6.  thats 5 Field goals.  hwo the HELL did Martz’s Detroit offense not do anything?  how the HELL did seatle not hang 40 on these fools?  Seatle had the leagues most potent offense last year WITHOUT their main Wideout in Darrell Jackson.  something has to be wrong.

NYJ  vs Tennesee – the first half of this game sucked HARD.  i was debating playing Madden instead of watching this crap.  the second half was a LOT better, where Pennington FINALLY played like he should have been playing.  the Jets defense was nothing to F with, either.  Although this 1 win will be 25% of their total wins this year.

Cincinatti vs KC – LJ didn’t do as well as he should have.  the Bengals had 6 or 7 sacks.  Surprisingly, no one missed their parole meeting after the game, either.

Denver vs St. Louis – Wow Jake plummer sucks a lot.  in one of my fantasy Leagues, the dude scored a NEGATIVE 12!!!!  weekly update as for starting Denver RB: Tatum Bell.

Baltimore vs. Tampa Bay – as I mentioned earlier, Cadillac was in neutral, Chris Simms was in reverse, and the Ravens Defense was like a mack truck with 8 gallons of NOs.  This was probably a fun game to watch defensively, too bad I didn’t get a chance to see it.

Atlanta vs Carolina – And i thought this was actually going to be a game.  Vick was pretty good, but he needs to step up the passing game as well as scare other teams a little more with the run.  I wonder why they dont have vick run all the way to the left, fake a run, bring all the Defenders with him, then toss a pass ALL the way to the right, and have the WR break straight through.

Philly vs. Houston – David Carr can play, as long as he’s standing up.  Donnovan looked great, but we are talking about Houston’s Defense.  Lets see how he does against the G-men. hey Rich, ERIC MOULDS SUCKS A BIG FAT DONKEY DICK.

Chicago vs. Green Bay – its not that the Bears offense is any good, it’s that the Packers Defense is THAT BAD.  if REX GROSSMAN lights you up, you’ve got some issues.

San Francisco vs Arizona – ALL OFFENSE.  this would have been fun to watch, too.  Frank gore was a BEAST, Arizona’s passing game was SICK, and it actually came down to a 4th and 12, and Alex Smith did not look bad at all (finally) as he definitely was able to lead his team through some plays.  they did lose, though, which was obviously going to happen.

TO vs. Jacksonville – this is really what it seemed to be.  Every freaking camera over was to TO.  I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT FOOL.  the media has made me sick of TO more than TO has made me sick of TO.  i don’t know how that’s even possible.  Drew Brees looked flat-out BAD.  (he got outplayed by Kurt WARNER)

Indy vs NY – good game, RUINED by all those clips of peyton and Eli being all faggoty as kids.  Seriously, i watched more of Peyton and Eli during commercials and those clips then i did in the game. NY played as best they could have against the Colts, I’ll give them that.

Minnesota vs. Redskins – I had no interest in watching this, and rightfully so.  It blew hard.  who really cares who wins, Portis wasn’t starting, so it wasn’t the redskins best anyway.  But the redskins have lost 5 in a row now if you include the pre-season.

San Diego vs. Oakland – HAHAH.  Oakland sucked harder than any other team has sucked before.  I think the 49ers could beat the raiders 6 out of 10 times.  And of course I can’t type this without saying that Ladainian Tomlinson looked FLAT-OUT amazing, and Gates got his with a TD.  the 3rd quarter was TERRIBLE though, where for about 10 of the 15 minutes, all they did was go 3rd and long, and punt back and forth to each other.

There you have it, all games wrapped up, in a nice little package.  Maybe by the end of this week i’ll put in my premonitions.

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I had a really good post

September 7, 2006 at 11:04 am (Random Awesomenessity)

I spent about 30 minutes yesterday, creating what seemed like a scientific article, about how sports helps and hinders production, but stupid wordpress lost it.

so here is a brief summary:

hypothesis: Sports can be a negative AND positive dual-causality effect for production.

Body: 

– forced to dwell in never-ending cubicle land, forced into conversation.

– instead of talking about gay stuff like staining decks and what their stupid fat kids did the other day, we talk about sports.  Something im interested in.

– can spend a good 2 hours + just talking abotu sports.

– good for employee morale, bad for production. 

– conversely, poor employee morale is bad for production as well.

summary : I am awesome, my fantasy football team is better than Rich’s, and I will rock.

I would have given that paper an A-.    I have to be somewhat modest.

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total whackness

September 1, 2006 at 1:40 pm (Relating to Work)

We had another TOTALLY AWESOME (totally sarcastic) party today.  but, there WAS free pizza.  So that’s a plus.  But it was totally filled with lame-ass conversations, stupid-ass jokes, and there was definitely a mention of “removing the deck of lawn chairs” as a weekend activity.  Totally lame.  It was about as bad as going to the dentist and not getting enough anesthesia.  No, wait, I digress.  It was about as bad as having a live bird shoved up your ass. 

think about it,

what’s worse than having a bird shoved up your ass?

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