HOT CARL!

January 19, 2007 at 5:59 pm (Uncategorized)

quick background info –

Hot Carl is also a defined here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hot-Carl

I like the tube sock definition best.

there’s a guy who is a morbidly obese version of Carl Winslow, who works within my building.  We have nicknamed him “Hot Carl”

Hot Carl was seen and overheard speaking to people at 8 AM, using the corporate blackberry, stating the phrase, “don’t you worry, I’ll handle the press on that, consider it done”

Therefore, Hot Carl must be semi- important.

Hot Carl also looks like a fat slob, and every time i see him, he has some form of food remnance on his face.

that is the background info, now I bring you a conversation through work IM’s:

Me          whats your problem with Hot Carl?

Co-worker          frankly kyrish, he scares me.

Co-worker          :/

Me          HC?

Me          why

Me          he’s a walking demi-god.

Me          if we were in Greek and roman times

Me          he’d be comparable to Circe or maybe even a Minotaur.

Co-worker          yes, perhaps

Co-worker          the only good thing about being his friend would be if we ever got stranded somewher

eCo-worker          we can feed on him for weeks

Me          hahahahah

Co-worker          lol

Me          personally, I think hanging out with hot Carl would be a good thing

Me          he’d know where all the good places for food are

Me          in Asia he’d be seen as a rich man

Me          and he bares a striking resemblance to Carl Winslow,

Me          so technically, every day is Halloween.

Me          which means he must get showered with gifts made of sugars and coated in chocalatey goodness.

Me          which explains his rather unique proportions.

Co-worker          ok but do you know how much harder your car would have to work to drive around to all these good places to eat

Me          who said I would drive?

Co-worker          doesn’t matter the car breaks down and you’re in it.. You both will have to walk to get help (assuming he ate the phones bc he was hungry). He’d eventually pass out and you’d have to carry him the rest of the way

Co-worker          good luck.

Me          not at all.

Me          firstly, he has a number of phones

Me          I saw this

Co-worker          lol I want to be showered with gifts made of sugars and chocalatey goodness

Me          so even if he were to eat his black berry

Me          for obvious reasons

Me          he has a back up.

Me          secondly, a guy like him must be connected in some way to a hospital, as it is very possible that he would need emergency assistance at any moment

Co-worker          hahahah

Me          thirdly, I’ve never ridden in a helicopter before

Me          and in conjunction with the last statement regarding the hospital

Me          we’d have to be heli-vac’d over to a hospital.

Co-worker          hhahaahah

Co-worker          im dying

Co-worker          I mean.. r u even picturing how awesome that would be

Me          you KNOW I am.

Me          the negatives would be riding in elevators with him.

Me          that’s the only thing that could be a negative

Me          but even then

Me          I took that chance.

Me          and sure, maybe you wont win a three-legged race with him as co-pilot, either

Me          but it will NEVER be your fault.

Co-worker          maybe he should go to Asia then.

Co-worker          at least maybe he can train with that kid who always wins the Nathan’s hotdog contests

Co-worker          study how one can eat so much without reaping any consequences

Me          he doesn’t need training.

Me          he’d be a 2:1 odds sumo wrestler

Co-worker          you’re right, one might say he has a master black belt in eating

Me          do you know how well Sumo wrestlers get treated in Japan?

Co-worker          lol

Co-worker          just as well as the normal fatties

Me          no, my simple, uncultured friend…

Me          the Sumo Wrestler is an athlete.

Me          he gets paid to eat and push people around

Me          people enjoy his sloth.

Co-worker          he can be the black yoko ono (sp?)

Me          the Sumo wrestler gets free meals, they are easily recognizable, and they get High-fives all the time

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without further adieu…

January 9, 2007 at 11:27 am (Relating to Work)

My immediate apologies for not updating this sooner.

Let me catch you up to date:

November – pretty busy month, also the month that good ol’ RBo got terminated.

Not very cool.

 

This obviously was meant to be a defining “shock to our system” type of events, where my boss knew that RBo was not the issue, but the firing of him would be.

 

Don’t worry RBo, I poured water on the carpet for you, right along with Smoove and mini-smoove.

 

Immediately after that, our office went quiet.  No more personal e-mails, no more personal websites during work.  (Except for ESPN.)  Thus the reason for the giant layoff in blogging.

 

So anyway, this firing caused an even more significant rift between management (and I say that jokingly, being that the people I worked for were a bunch of chumps that couldn’t man up to anything, but that’s another story in which the RBo might want to delve into further) and us peons.  Almost immediately after, they hired some clown to come in and be “team leader” in an attempt to say, “well, if they won’t respect us, and we simply do not want Kyrish to be leader, might as well get a bald, no-teeth having 30 year old who probably get’s ID’d because he facially looks no older than Webster, hire him to be team leader.  Maybe then things will be ok.”

 

Yeah, not so much.

 

The week after RBo’s hand was forced, yours truly went on an interview within the company (different sub organization, same building) for another position.  Within a few days, Kyrish became corporate.  But of course, this couldn’t happen immediately, because the man they wouldn’t elect as team leader, obviously knew more technical information on the business then the rest. 

 

I had to ask my manager to be a reference, as it was an internal move, and so they requested a conversation with her.  At first I thought, “This could be bad.  This could be real bad”

Then it hit me:  If I was somewhat of a wild horse, un-muzzled, unbridled, and simply an angry employee (after all, they did fire my friend for no reason other than the fact that they couldn’t fire me) and they were afraid of me, why not give me a great review, so they could push their problem to someone else?

 

Works out for me.  Fresh start, new place, new people, more money, better benefits.  I can’t complain.

 

I couldn’t wait to tell these fools, “yo bitches, I’m out.  Mad ups to smoove, kid.  1 love to RBo, and all my other fallen brethren.”  But of course, due to the transition of knowledge in training, I was needed for another 3 weeks.  What helped me feel better about this elongated stay was the fact that it was Christmas time, and I didn’t want to have the added pressure of a new job along with the problems of finding time to look for gifts, and all that other consumerism bullshit that is totally unnecessary any more.  (side note:  I have not yet met anyone who doesn’t agree with me that this past holiday season did certainly not feel anything like past Christmas seasons.)  and the fact that there’s no better feeling than going into work every day with the mantras of the American worker:

·        if you give me 7 days to complete the task, I’ll start it on the 6th, and claim the deadline was unattainable.

·        Something went wrong? SO?  Does it LOOK like I care?

·        No I can’t give you a hand, I’m totally swamped over here.  I’ve got a 2 PM desk cleaning scheduled, and after that, I’m contemplating taking a 30 minute meeting at the water cooler.

 

I did you proud, RBo.

 

So new Team Leader guy comes in, and I need to spend most of my time training him on my stuff.  Do you know how many times I said, “nah, don’t worry about taking notes, it will come to you.”

HAH.

 

mid way through training, the guy asks me, “So, when you’re gone, are we screwed?”

 

Yes, toothless Tim.  Yes you are.

 

Training took a while, primarily because mr. 30 year old with an MBA couldn’t figure out how to cut-and-paste anything, and on top of that, Dude had irritable Bowel syndrome.  Every 20 minutes or so he’d need to hobble his way to the bathroom.

Kind of reminded me of a little hobbit with a gunshot wound to the leg and the Gaul bladder the size of a golf ball.

So the last 3 weeks of work, I put it in Cruise.  Forwarded any e-mails that needed immediate attention, and didn’t bother answering my phone when certain people within the organization would call.  “Sorry, I was toooo busy, creating an exit strategy, backing up files, and creating documentation, not including the crazy amount of hours I spent training.”

 

Clowns.

 

My last week of work was dec. 27-29th (25th and 26th, mon. and tues., were days off) I had opted to take my remaining time off, but to come in for ½ a day, stretched out between two days (2 hours here, 2 hours there)

Believe it or not, I actually did work on the first day.  Then it hit me, “Screw these guys. Its Christmas time, I’m only here for 2 hours, and I’m leaving this job.”

 

This helped me immediately, as I just took everything from my inbox (about 113 unread items) and deleted them permanently.

 

“oh well, tough shit”

 

Did it help me?  Obviously.  I didn’t have to stress about anything.  I had an out of office assistant on.  Not my fault they relied on me.

If they needed me so much, why wasn’t I given a better job? Why did they have to hire someone external, whom I needed to train, to be MY team leader?

 

Tip to anyone out there who might run into this: DO NOT HIRE SOMONE TO BE A BOSS, AND THEN ASK THE UNDERLINGS WHO CLEARLY DESERVED THAT POSITION TO TRAIN THE NEW GUY.

 

Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking?

 

In all honesty, yes, I did leave a fairly good backup plan, at least, so I thought I did.  Hasn’t stopped them from calling me every now and again looking for direction.

  

Now to bring you to speed on my new position:

I’ve been here a full week.  Last week I was busy, running around, gathering up information on what I was to do.  This week, both my bosses have called in sick, have left no plans, no work to be done, and so everyone is left to take care of their normal day-to-day activity.

 

But I don’t have any day-to-day activities yet.

 

So yesterday, I scheduled a meeting with my Xbox 360.

 

Today I think I shall schedule a meeting with a mr. B. Barker.

 

Kyrish, COOOOOOME ON DOWN!

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