Jason Whitlock has lost his mind.

August 31, 2006 at 2:48 pm (Sports rants)

For those of you who do not know, Jason Whitlock is a writer for the Kansas City Star.  He is officially part of the Associated Press.  He is allowed to vote on such things as BCS standings, Heismann winners, etc.

this is an excerpt from his latest ESPN column on Page 2:

“Jeff [George] is like the hottest girlfriend you ever had.”

Granted, that seems to have been taken in context, but let me let you read that statement 1 more time.

read it again.

ok?

good.

Whitlock does come back with this statement, which gives him some explanation as to his thoughts:

“Oh, she might’ve been bat-spit crazy, slept with all of your boyz and is in need of medication, but two or three months after the breakup all you really remember is the great sex, the weekends in Vegas and the two-month, drama-free period when you thought you’d found your very own Halle Berry.

And you know what? Under the right conditions, you’d take her back, and you’d even bring her around your boyz again. But there would be no talk of a serious relationship, no public affection, no contact with your parents, very little kissing, and you’d eat out at Applebee’s or maybe Red Lobster on a special occasion.”

Rest of the article HERE

Now, I get the fact that Jeff George can throw a football, but why not call up Uncle Rico for a tryout as well?  I mean, after all, Uncle Rico can throw a football over them there mountains.

Whitlock is entitled to call Jeff George a hot ex-girlfriend, but in his analogy, he states that the ex-girlfriend has already slept around with “your boyz.”  Umm, you don’t think “your boyz” are going to ridicule you for this?  even worse, you don’t think she won’t do it again?

Lets face it, Whitlock has said a variety of things that can be down-right ridiculous (see: Joey Harrington will take Daunte Culpeppers starting spot) but I think this takes teh cake.  Jeff George has not been a professional athlete since 2001.  I can’t wait until he runs away from a on-coming sack, only to break his ankle falling to the ground. 

 Besides, didn’t the raiders try this gimmick with Kerry Collins???

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obsessed with Fantasy Football?

August 31, 2006 at 11:43 am (Sports rants)

I’m absolutely certain that fantasy football has taken off primarily because of all us cubicle-dwelling saps who need something to talk about at work.

I don’t think i’ve ever seen commercials for Fantasy football prior to this year, but these ones  are just too funny. (click the videos on the right)

anyway, people who drone on, day in and day out, about the weather, about how much (or how little) work we have to do, or about totally un-important issues like staining decks, fattening up kids, buying $1500 earings for girlfriends, or whatever the case may be, now have something to do and talk about.  Monday’s can be spent talking smack about what happened on Sunday, and how your team is “destined to win” because of the lead you currently have, and Tuesdays are spent complaining about how, in some miraculous turn of events, Tatum Bell rushes for 26 yards on 1 carry in the closing minutes of the Monday night game, to cause you to lose by 0.5 points to the other fantasy team (true story.)  Wednesday might be the only day where you are not discussing fantasy football, but I highly doubt that.  Might be considerring trades on wednesday, or hoping your waiver-wire acquisition of Samkon Gado might actually propel you into “elite status” among your fantasy bretherens.

Thursday is the day the injury report comes in.  Is Tom Coughlin claiming Tiki is doubtful, just to confuse the other team, and of course, making you shit your pants?  Will Coughlin try to pull a rope-a-dope maneuver, which sends you scurrying to your computer 5 minutes before kick-off?

Fridays, of course, bring on the traditional trash talk.  “Damn straight, Jerious Norwood’s gonna come through like hell on wheels, MOFO!” or “don’t you worry, LJ will break his leg tommorow when he faces Kimo Von Oelhoffen”

Which then brings you to the weekend.

Truly very grand.

God forbid your team sucks it up because you had Jamal Lewis AND Daunte Culpepper on your squad last year, with Javon Walker as your main Wide-out.

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So…unbelievably…bored.

August 30, 2006 at 2:53 pm (Relating to Work)

my god, if I really had anything worth writing, it would be that cubicle dwelling truly reaches the epitome of suckitude when you have nothing better to do, and are forced to stare at your monitor all day.

I had work to do, but Its done. NOW WHAT?

that’s what brings me to this blog.  Usually i’m upset about something, but in this case, I’m upset about nothing.

I don’t really know what’s worse… when you’re bogged down with work, time flies.  When you’re not, you truly feel like your in some form of timeless, barren planet with other monkeys in cubicles, pressing on daily tasks that mean nothing when you take a step back from “reality.”

I don’t know why, but i’ve got all this energy to burn, and nothing to do with it.  I actually had the urge to run down the stairs, just so i can run back up.  I’ve walked to the window a minimum of 10 times today, and I think i’ve almost had my fill of football conversations, wich only makes me more sad that I am actually anticipating something that starts 8 days from now.

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How do some of these people get Jobs???

August 29, 2006 at 12:14 pm (Relating to Work)

This is an actual conversation, the only things changed are the names, and reporting information.  We had this conversation through our Intranet Instant messenging system.  What baffles me is, She is 1 level higher than my boss, in official term. 

Arvia – hi
Kyrish – hello
Arvia – for the report julian is using to capture held invoices, is that just —– data?
Kyrish – I dont know, I have not seen Julians report, I am not Julian, and I am not on his distribution list
(there is silence, and because she is retarted, I contact Julian FOR her)
Kyrish – this is what Julian says: for the one I send now yes, but I am working on a new one.
Arvia – i don’t understand
Arvia – would like to know if you do another report for ____ as well as _____.
Kyrish – I do not, Richard creates the report.
Kyrish – that is done weekly on mondays.
Arvia – and that would be similar to what you do?
Kyrish – similar in aspects, yes.
Arvia – will you ask julian to work with rich to make sure we capture that data as well?
Kyrish – His e-mail address is ________@_______.com, I dont think it would be right for me to ask him on behalf of you.


 
Seriously… how the HELL did they hire her?  were they like, “hey, you sound stupid as shit, but we need another mexican lady, YOUR HIRED!”

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Weekend roundup

August 28, 2006 at 1:43 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

I’m back.

Left Thursday in the daytime to go to Niagara Falls.  good times, good pictures, very cool over there, nice city.  There seemed to be a LOT more to do there than there was in Montreal.  Atleast in the daytime.  Didn’t really hit any nightclubs or anything like that, went to a couple of bar’s that were walking distance, but they weren’t too shabby at all.  Everything was expensive as hell, though.  Example: Went to get breakfast in the morning, went to the restaurant attached to the hotel.  I’m not a huge fan of eggs, so i skip the $7.00, 2 eggs, hash browns, and toast breakfast.  Not bad, but kind of expensive.  Turns out this was the best option there.

I saw the cheapest thing on the menu, a muffin.  I ask the waitress what type they offer.  “Chocolate chip, bran, or corn”  What a terribly selection.  I ask her to toast the chocolate chip.  She looks at me like i’m retarted and asking her to soak it in blood, too.  “We dont toast muffins here, we microwave them.”  Now i’m thinking this is that whole frenchie bullshit with mayonaise instead of Ketchup for fries or whatever, so i say, “ok, just bring me the muffin.”

Somehow, some way, everybody gets their breakfast before my muffin.  So of course, when my food comes by, people are inclined to view.  What a view they got.

I got 2 muffins.  (don’t applaud yet)  They were the size of the mini-cupcakes you can buy at the grocery store.  I’m not kidding you.  I paid $2.25 Canadian ($2.10 US) for a 1 inch DIAMETER x 1 inch DEPTH muffin.  we are talking 1, MAYBE 2 biters at most.

but that’s not the worst part… Before i open up the menu, i’m ased if i want coffee.  I say yes, she starts pouring, and I open the menu, and i say OUT LOUD, “$2.95 for COFFEE!?!”  she continues to pour.  WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THAT??? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CHARGE $3 FOR DINER COFFEE, BUT POUR BEFORE THE PRICE IS EVEN VALIDATED!!!!????!!!!

This put me in such a mood.  I was ready to throw shit right there.  I made sure the waitress got no more than a 5% tip.  Fucking whore.  I hope she takes that $2.25 muffin, sticks it so far up her ass, and then burns herself with $2.95 coffee, so her face gets completely discombubulated.  And then i hope she falls off the falls onto a Jagged rock, only to disembowel herself.

Aside from that, the Falls were pretty dope.  Cool to look at, interesting little factoids.  All in all, i recommend it.  Can’t give you much about the night-life though, hopefully it’s pretty good.

Sunday – CBS Fantasy Draft (money League)  $75 entry fee, $100 if you win the division, $380 to 1st, $190 for second.  Not too shabby.  Hope I do awesomely.  12 teams, I had 8th Pick.  Here’s my team:

STARTERS: 

QB: Trent Green, KC (7th Round)  

Best QB available by then.

RB: Ronnie Brown, MIA (1st round, 8th Pick)

Liked him better than Cadillac, S.Jax, and Lamont/Rudi

RB: Kevin Jones, Det (3rd Round)

Hoping he does better this year, could be huge under Martz.

WR: Chad Johnson, Cin (2nd round, 16th pick)

Liked him better than Holt, TO.  Fitz and Steve Smith gone

WR: Javon Walker, Den (5th Round)

Needed a good 2nd WR, best avail. housh and wayne gone

TE: L.J. Smith, Phi (10th round)

Run on TE’s this round, after LJ, Jerramy Stevens (yuck)

Def: Bengals (13th round)

Half of them should be on Parole, would need to get frustrations out on the field.

BENCH:

QB: Drew Brees, NO (8th round)

The best backup from all 12 teams, can play the matchups.

RB: Deshaun Foster, Car (4th round)

If he’s healthy, he’ll carry the load, hoping a Thomas Jones effect with arrival of cedric benson

RB: Lendale White, Ten (6th)

Predicting he’ll start by week 6

WR: Deion Branch, NE (9th)

If he goes somewhere, he’ll be nasty.  If he stays, he better play SOON.

WR: Chad Jackson, NE (11th) 

my bigtime Sleeper if Branch is M.I.A.  Physically like TO

TE: Jermain Wiggins, Min (12th)

Told you TE was whack… Wiggins was best out there.

Def: New England Pats (14th)

“Look at the schedule!”  <– Woody Paige

K:   Jeff Reed, Pit (15th)

Whatever.  should get FG’s.  last pick.  Didn’t want to root for Olindo Mare.  Think i’d rather have  hemmorhoid.

If you have any input, i’d like to hear it.

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Cant wait to get out of here

August 22, 2006 at 2:16 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

I actually got into work early today.  Seriously.

Woke up at 6:15, went to the bathroom.  basically shot blanks.  Thought I would be OK. 

went Jogging at 6:35.  Doing quite well, might I add.  Started picking up the pace about 2 songs in, when Joe Budden’s “Pump it up” starts playing.  Legs feeling sore, but that “good sore.”  About 1 mile into it, i feel a turtle head trying to sneak through.

Where the hell was this mofo when his little baby turtles went swimming at 6:20 ??

i realize by the time i’ve gone over the hill that I’m going to need to drop deuce quite soon.  I’m now on the bridge over Highway 890.  Contemplate turning around, noted a large plot of land a little while back with a lot of trees.  Could be dark enough to take a sweet dump.  Realized i’d have to run back home “not-so-fresh” for a mile.

So I continue on my jog, because I had to make it a nice round number.  Turn back at 1.25 mi, now im starting to worry.

on my way back, i pass the trees.  The sun is out and its too bright for me to not be noticed.   I now am in fear of wanting to fart and have a slippery one.

about 2 miles in, I pas by the gas station.  I’d rather shit myself than sit on that toilet seat.

finally, 2.5 miles later, i get home.  No time to “cool down,” I sprint down to the shitter.  madness ensues in the form of brown hot-fire showers.

 after all is said and done, I shower, change up, pack my lunch, and its only 7:35 AM.  holy crap.  I had nothing better to do, and realized I want to leave early to pick up my copy of Madden 07.  So I went in to work, got in at 7:43 AM.

Now, I really, REALLY can’t wait to get out of work.  I don’t forsee me playing Madden till about 10 PM tonight, but it will be well worth the wait.

Upon re-reading this post, I realize i have waxed poetic about how bad I had to take a dump.  Am I worried about this?  Not at all.  He who re-reads and paraphrases himself is not sure of his statements, and thus, is not sure of himself.

 And I, for one, am sure of my awesomeness, and have the inner freedom to divulge interesting points of my life, even if they include defocation.

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pour some liquor for our homies

August 18, 2006 at 3:17 pm (Relating to Work)

B-smoove has moved on.

it’s a sad day in the office.

i will go back to pour some liquor on the already crappy and stained carpets in honor of smoove.

1 love, son.  1 yo’self.

we fly the flag at half-staff for you today, Smoove.

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let FATTIES eat CAKE

August 17, 2006 at 3:28 pm (Relating to Work)

yeah, another fatty moo-cow cake meeting today.

This one was SPECIAL, though.

Tommorow is officially B-smoove’s last day. 

If you don’t recall who B-smoove is, FOR SHAME!

my company hd a contract with another company to send over IT consultants, all of whom are Indian. 

There is Swapnil, aka “Swappy,” who truly is a hater.  Dude talks all this smack about junk, always looks like he’s going to have an embolism, and always seems to be shouting.  Word on the street is, he’s played out like a lou diamond phillips movie.  None of the “uppity folk” (known as my bosses) like him.  We’ve seen him as “the pusher.”  He also holds umbrella’s for B-smoove.

 And he looks like a duck.

Then there is Nitin, aka “N-bomber.”  He get’s his nickname because he farts and burps a LOT at his desk.  he’s 40, like 5’6″, maybe 150 lbs.  and REEKS something fierce.  Desiree, who sits next to him, had to buy a glade plug in. Rich and I are convinced that N-bomber goes home, walks around in a stainded wife beater and boxers, drinks massive amounts of alcohol, and shoots his gun at the ceiling while yelling at his wife.  I’m willing to bet he would burn his wife to death if she makes a bad dinner.

There’s YRD (no kidding, thats his first name) aka “the YERD.”  Turns out, The YERD has been here the longest out of them all.  That establishes him as an OG.  very quiet, very passive.  Probably lays his pimp-hand down at home, after he berates his wife for making “sub-standard chicken curry” 

We’re not even going to talk about “steven,” aka SVS, aka Sweater Vest Steve.  Everyone hates on him.  he’s now on the same level as Jughead from Archie comics.

And finally, we commence with Bipin, aka B-smoove.  There is absolutely no question that this man is truly the pimp of all pimps.  Just listening to him speak, the way he carries himself, and hte way he’s so calm and collected when there’s any issues, just shows you how deep his pimpdom goes.  He’s the guy who undoubtedly has bed more women than Wilt Chamberlain.  He’s the guy who you KNOW has herom’s.  He is the ring-leader of this indian squad, and that is how it always will be.

Now that i’ve given you a brief character description, I bring you to the main course.  We are sitting at the conference table, where O.B. tells B-smoove, “you should probably put your cell phone to vibrate during meetings.”  Smoove casually says, “No, it’s the venga boys, now.”

but the story does not end there, good people…. O.B. then states, “you must be a surgeon at your other job, I dont know anyone who gets more calls then you!”

my immediate thoughts:  Thats because he’s a pimp, and you’re a big herb.

then Someone else asks, “does your wife call you a lot?”

“No, my wife knows better than to call my cell phone.”

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN KID.

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Isaiah is at it again…

August 17, 2006 at 12:19 pm (Sports rants)

I’m just not shocked any more…. Isaiah has reportedly tried to get Chris Webber and his 42 millions over 2 years contract, to probably be the biggest failure of all, in a “go big or go home” ideaology.  

Chris Webber, still hampered by the aftermath of microfracture knee surgery at 33, is due more than $42 million over the next two seasons — a perfect fit for the Knicks’ seemingly infinite budget… The 76ers have approached the Knicks … about Webber, league sources say, but weren’t offered enough.

The package offered by Thomas starts with Quentin Richardson (with his back issues and $33.8 million over four seasons left on his contract) and Maurice Taylor (whose $9.75 million contract expires after this season)

  • The rest of this article found here

Let me sum it up this way:  The Knicks want to get C-Webb’s bad knees at 21 million a piece for the next 2 years.  They picked up Jared Jeffries at 5 million a season (or 1 million per point scored a game) to backup C-webb, and they’ve got 5 year, 33 million dollar Jerome “I played well enough the final week to get dope money from the knicks, even though i suck harder than Chris Dudley” James to come off the bench and backup Eddie “my heart might explode any second” Curry. 

And to top it off, they have two undersized shooting guards making over 100 million each, trying to play point guard, while your small forwards are Jalen Rose (42 mil) and the now-retired yet still making 16+ million a year Allan Houston, and they are still paying $10 million for a coach who they fired.

now that is a rant.  and the Knicks plain suck.

I’m totally expecting to see this headline by January: “Hakeem Olajuwon out of retirement, Don’s Knicks 34 Jersey, signs for 1 year, 32 million.”

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Thursday wrap-up

August 16, 2006 at 5:17 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

yeah, I know, it says thursday.  thats exactly what today feels like, for some reason.

I don’t really know why.  This just means tommorow is going to SUCK, HARD, when I wake up and go, “SHIT, ITS THURSDAY AGAIN!?!”

aside from that, all things are gravy.

Boys just called me down to play a little Ultimate frisbee (but more likely FOOTBALL!) in the SUNY Albany fountain, so that will be dope.  And after that,  I dont know, I dont know!?! Maybe a little bed, bath, and beyond?  I don’t know if we’ll have enough TIME!

oh, just a little rant today…

After work, i went to the Gas station to pump gas into my car.  theres a guy in front of me, so i pull up behind him.  I start pumping, and he pulls away.  Now there is a spot ahead of me.

Some stupid lady comes right behind me, sticks her fat head out the window, and asks, “you planning on moving up?”  all sternly. 

Mind you, i’m MID-PUMP.  I’ve filled in $10, and i’ve still got a ways to go. So i told the bitch,

“nope, I don’t move for ugly people.”

She got so upset, she just flat-out left the gas station, perhaps avoiding a confrontation, knowing full-well that if i call her ugly while handling flammable liquid outside my car, she might end up burnt to a crisp.

Either that, or she had to go see her psychiatrist, for some self-loathing issues.

Whatever, she was ugly, and she deserved it.

I think the worst part was, I didn’t think twice about what I was going to say.  In fact, I didn’t think ONCE.

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