Don’t talk to me when I pee.

August 8, 2006 at 2:56 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

Lets clarify a couple of things real quickly…

Firstly, you do NOT talk to someone else while in a bathroom stall.  This includes cell phones.  It’s not just rude to the person on the phone, especially when you stop talking to let out a fart that gets resonance from the porcelain throne, but it’s also rude to others whom are struggling to get rid of the flame-shits that happen 6-8 hours after a giant buffalo-wing eating contest.

Secondly, much like the first rule, you do NOT talk while standing at the urinal.  I’m pretty sure we all know about the Urinal Game, or at least, the Urinal rules.  (Yes, these are unwritten rules, but we ALL must follow it.)  But, in other un-remediable circumstances, such as the 2-urinal bathroom, one is forced to be right next to each other.  You obviously do not look over (understood) but you must also NOT ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION.

This might seem rude if you work with the person, but please, do NOT talk to someone while decorating the wall with yellow streams.  It is not right to discuss office-related subjects while attempting to dissolve the urine cake.

I don’t want to know about what you’ve done so far, or how stupid your kid is for sliding into 3rd base instead of running to first off a shitty 6-foot hit off a batting Tee.  I don’t care.  My sole goal is to zip, flop, piss, wash, peace.

We can converse before any article of clothing is moved, or we can discuss the physical retardation of your child while washing hands, but please, know that once you have crossed the threshhold of the first stall / urinal, no conversation should commence.

Side note – Women who insist on making you leave the seat down… If you aren’t paying the rent/ mortgage, don’t tell us how to leave our toilet seats.

And trying to come back with, “do you know how uncomfortable it is to sit on porcelain?” Only puts you in a bigger hole…

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN?  DO YOU NOT LOOK WHERE YOU PLANT YOUR ASS?? ARE YOU TAKING A RUNNING 180 DEGREE LEAP, ASS FIRST, ONTO THE POT?  FUCKING LOOK DOWN BEFORE YOU SIT.

You want to talk uncomfortable?  Come over my house, leave the seat down.  I’ll take a piss, there WILL be pee-residue, I WONT put the chair back up, and you can then take your ass-first plunge onto a nicely peed-on toilet seat.

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