Working with Foreigners

June 30, 2006 at 11:18 am (Relating to Work)

If only I can give you a look into my work life…

a simple day in the life, will make you understand why i am becoming more and more of a crude, snappy, angry person.

Now, it seems even the little things just “set me off” to go on a loud, angry, vehement tirade.  Am I proud of this?  DAMN FUCKING RIGHT I AM, MOTHER FUCKER.

So I get this e-mail today from some dude by the name of Zachabel Pavitran.  Lets start off there.  the dudes fuckin name is ZACHABEL PAVITRAN.  Disection: Zachabel sounds sort of like Zach morris (cool) and Tinkerbell (faggoty)  and since the emphasis is on the “abel” part, I’m gonna say its pretty damn gay.  Pavitran sounds like some form of Pakistani Transformer.  Transformers are cool, but imagine a Transformer with a pakistani accent.  Matter of fact, imagine the shittiness of having that accent, regardless of what you are.  It takes away from anything cool and/or hardcore.  “Beetch, vhat now, mother BEETCH!” <transforms, kills a deceptacon, transforms back into 24-hour kwiki mart>

So anyway, this dude e-mails a list of us, saying, and i quote, “this is to inform you, that I, Zachabel Pavitran, have taken over the job of…”

translation: I’m a big fucking herb who thinks im important, even though i work in fuckin hungary, have a totally shitty name, and get paid like $4 US Dollars an hour, and that is BIG TIME here, but i still suck.  And my name is fuckin Zachabel. 

Now, you might be thinking, “ok, one guy.  why such a big deal?”

well, I send a report out about 2 minutes ago, one of the people on the distribution list is Zoltan Dobszai (hungary as well.)   DO ALL THESE FUCKING HUNGARIANS HAVE RETARTED POWER RANGER NAMES?  seriously, the name itself sounds like he’s some fucking bad guy from the power rangers, that has fucking ninja sai’s for arms, and a GIANT FUCKING Z on his mask.

And he’s got an out-of-office mesage, saying, “Hello, sender, unfortunately I, Zoltan, am off today”
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I’M E-MAILING BOB FUCKIN ROSS, THE PBS “PAINT WITH ME” GUY?? “now, painters, lets just throw a little bush over here with this green… and how about painting some happy trees, right along the side… see that?  Happy trees!”

and seriously, why must they say their names again?  do they think they are some kind of news anchor?  Did they get trained to speak/write the english language by Ron Fuckin Burgundy?  what the shit?

And dont even get me started on the indians…. my god the indians………

firstly, they have first names that are english, which means, they didnt want to get their first names BUTCHERED, so they started calling themselves “Kyle” and “Ralph”… HOW MANY INDIANS DO YOU KNOW NAMED RALPH??  Some of the indians were smart, and decided to shrink their first names to an inital… i.e.: Sharashcandra = S.    And their last names??? all their Last names are fucking 32 letters long, and only 3 are vowels….

dont believe me?  this is an actual name, as listed through my work’s contact list: Sarangabaniprakasam, B.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PRONOUNCE THIS?  No wonder he calls himself “Bill”

Advertisements

Permalink Leave a Comment

Nintendo DS to the dumps

June 29, 2006 at 2:42 pm (Uncategorized)

ok, not really what i meant in the title. 

I’m waiting for my dump to settle, so i can have a pleasant dumping, and will bring my nintendo DS (along with Super Mario Bros.) to accompany me on this grand venture.

It has also been brought to my attention that my boss has left early.

you know what that means?

Not only am i doing less work than i normally do, I’m playing Super Mario Brothers on the shitter, AND leaving work early.

take THAT, corporate america.

Permalink Leave a Comment

I ACTUALLY HAVE WORK!?!

June 27, 2006 at 3:03 pm (Relating to Work)

its almost incredible.  I haven’t been completely, utterly bored today.  I’ve had a busy morning, what with one of my co-workers not being here, and me needing to take over one of her responsibilities, and of course, my own little diddy.  And then, by lunchtime, sure, i took your normal cubicle-dwelling break, where we sort of focus out of the real world and sit on our asses wonderring, “hmm, I wonder whats on the ESPN?”

so after about an hour or so of just chillin on the internet, i decided to get to one of our more mundane tasks.  Had to go through approximately 50 invoices, check to see why they haven’t been paid.

And because this is such a lame task, I’ve decided to get my ghetto on.

“Yo, whats really good with this invoice?”

“oh snap, son, check this dope shit out, these fools be invoicing us TWICE for the same thing, cuz we didnt pay them the first time!  what they think we is, the govament?  word up, i aint got that paper.  i aint payin this, fuuuuuuuuuuuck dat, ‘nah mean?”

Now, keep in mind, i’ve had type this conversation in my head for the last hour or so, so forgive me if i feel like buyin some 22’s for my cubicle, that spin counter-clockwise.  But what if, just what if, I decided to get myself some office-bling?

Memo to Jacob the (recently imprisoned) Jeweler – Lemme get one a dem bling-blingin staplers, SON.  that shit would be the HOTNESS.

I’d bring a new meaning to thug life at a cubicle.  Rock out some radio-edited Tupac, (you aint shh… without yo’ homeboys) wavin my fo-fo around, spinnin the 22’s, while tellin cats, “chill the fuck out son, I pay you when i pay you, BACK THE FUCK OFF.  WHAT WHAT, NEEYUCKA.”

yeah.  That would be cool.

Permalink 2 Comments

Fatty Moo Cows part Deux

June 26, 2006 at 9:03 am (Relating to Work)

to see original post, click here  (HILARIOUS, trust me)

Well, anyway, I get to work today, open up the fridge, and i've got my allotment of approximately 2 square inches with which to put my meal, soda, and nutrition bar, so i'm re-arranging, juxtaposition-ing, and basically playing 3-D tetris with fatty food items.  Guess what I see taking over basically the entire bottom rack?

A FUCKING CAKE.  THESE SLOTHS WANT TO EAT ANOTHER FUCKING CAKE??

As Rich pointed out in his blog here, these office people needed an excuse from their shitty lives to get together and divulge just how shitty their life really is.

Excerpt: "Usually it is the same old dreck, with co-workers talking about APEX and how they hate the East Team, wives who get promoted or just having your barn painted constitutes a round of applause."

So these fat heifers had cake on Friday.  But this isn't leftover cake.  NOOOOOOOOO, this is a whole OTHER cake.  Because 1 helping of cake is not enough.  Apparently Friday's cake was a WHOLE FUCKING SHEET, AND THAT WASN'T ENOUGH. 

Note: NO LEFTOVERS FROM THE FUCKING SHEET CAKE ARE IN THE FRIDGE RIGHT NOW.  This means these FAT SHITS took the leftover 1/2 sheet of cake to their morbidly obese kids, and their grotesquely obese other halves, probably so they can feel better about themselves.  "Ooh, look, fatty kids, I brought you home some cake, to make up for the fact that I'm a terrible mother because i'm so engrossed in the suckitude that is my life.  And my husband, my ugly, dimwit husband, how are you!?! Let me present you with cake, to make up for the fact that we haven't screwed in 2 years, primarily because I'd rather sleep then engage in the 3 minutes of porking."

Anyway, back to my aggression for this morning… ANOTHER FUCKING CAKE IS IN THE FRIDGE.  Do you know what the writing is on this cake?  No, it's not another birthday.  It says, "Congrats Go Live BMA II"

For those of you who don't know what that means, (all of us) It's basically some project that a group of these people were working on, that seems to be working.

But what I'm getting at is that these people are CELEBRATING WORK.  That's like throwing a giant PARTY in the middle of the grocery store because Jimmy from Aisle 2 was able to arrange the bread alphabetically.  Or another example would be getting a fucking cake because your son was able to hit the ball off the tee-ball stand, even though it sort of rolled five feet ahead.  Or maybe even,"hey dad, guess what?  I took a dump in the potty today!"

"GOOD FUCKING JOB, SON! NOW LETS EAT CAKE!"

Permalink 1 Comment

Suck it dry.

June 23, 2006 at 1:26 pm (Uncategorized)

If i could change the world

(whole wide world)

to be a thug, in harmony

(harmony)

then I would change the world

(whole wide world)

to FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF CRAP.  WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF BEING A THUG IN HARMONY? Thats like saying, "YO MAN, I'M MAD HARDCORE, I CUT THE EDGES OFF MY FLUFFERNUTTER SANDWICHES… WITH MY MOUTH!"

I think i just randomly made this post to put the juggernaut picture on here, and had that song in my head.  Whatever.  Suck it dry.

juggernaut2.jpg

Permalink Leave a Comment

what to do, what to do

June 22, 2006 at 1:33 pm (Relating to Work)

unfortunately, I don't have much rage / animosity in me right now to create quite an entertaining blog, simply because i feel like a ship in the middle of the atlantic with no sails up.  Completely aimless, goalless, and void of all want to do anything.

And that can pretty much sum up corporate cubicle life, couldn't it?

The feeling of comfort, knowing full-well every morning, that the hardest decision you will probably have to make at work is, "should I make myself a turkey sandwich for lunch, or a frozen meal?" has clearly taken a stronghold over everyone here at the office.  We are not being challenged here at all, and whatever work we do get, seems to be getting more and more mundane.

It's almost as if we are being under-utilized for a reason.  Either that, or we are seen as computer monkeys capable of very little with mild direction.

Ah well, I dont care.  I exact my revenge on corporate life by entertaining myself in various forms.  Today, I'm reading comics, spending waaaaaaay too much time on the web, and I also plan on rocking out a little bit of Madden on my Nintendo DS, which I opted to bring into work today.

Maybe if something gets me riled up, I might opt to spend some more time on this website later on, and express that which ales me. 

Till then, Love, peace, and comic-book grease.

Permalink Leave a Comment

They found out that I’m a SuperHero.

June 21, 2006 at 3:11 pm (Random Awesomenessity)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20060619/ennew_afp/afpentertainment_060619102652;_ylt=AvVWyXBPmpDBUwMIBi_CZbMXO7gF;_ylu=X3oDMTA5bGVna3NhBHNlYwNzc3JlbA

you have to read this article.

Excerpts:

Roshan, who also starred in the first film, is Krrish — the inheritor of supernatural powers from an alien visitor which allows him to fight crime in Singapore, where the film was partially shot.

Director of the movie says:

"I feel these are two different films and my film is not about the Superman character. As there is Batman, Spiderman and Superman — in the same way I have created a superhero character and that is Krrish."

Now, come on people… do you REALLY believe this is some sort of "coincidence?"

NO.  They have finally understood how super-heroically awesome i truly am.  And India decided to make a movie out of it first.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Fat Cows taking up the fridge

June 21, 2006 at 9:15 am (Relating to Work)

Corporate America has a weight problem, no doubt about that.

There is no question that I have gained weight from sitting on my ass all day (doing nothing), but it's so unbelievably evident at my office.

Not to say that everyone is morbidly obese over here (although some could make a good case) but EVERYONE is watching their weight.

case in point: I tried to put my sandwich and soda in the fridge.  We have a mini office fridge, about the size of a thick midget.  maybe 40 inches high, decent enough.  Well recently, the fatty moo-cows decided to start up some fitness program that the company offers, which insists on eating more fruits. (be prepared, here comes the tirade…)

SOME FATTY FAT MOO COW IS PRETENDING TO BE ON THIS DIET AND BROUGHT 3 BAGS OF FRUITS.  LISTEN YOU FAT SHIT, COMPENSATING YOUR GREASY HAMBURGER AND WHOLE CHEESECAKE LUNCH FOR 42 BAGS OF FRUIT AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT. WE ALL KNOW AS SOON AS YOU GET TO YOUR CAR, YOU'RE GONNA TEAR INTO THAT GIANT WHEEL OF CHEESE YOU HAVE HIDING UNDER YOUR SEAT, AND WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU'RE GOING TO COOK A WHOLE GODDAMN COW AND EAT EVERYTHING BECAUSE "OOOOH, I WAS SO GOOD AT LUNCH, I ONLY HAD 42 GUAVAS AND 13 MANGO'S AND 23 PEARS FOR LUNCH"

honestly, if they can eat that whole goddamn bag in one sitting, they have an issue that can't be solved with freakin fruits.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT, TAKE YOUR FAT ASS UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS AND GO FOR A WALK, DON'T TAKE UP PRIME TIME FRIDGE REAL ESTATE.

And for those of you who feel sad for these porkers, "ooh Kyrish, that's so mean, at least they are trying!"

You drink my warm-ass soda that is now being cooled by my air conditioner.

assholes.

Permalink 1 Comment

June 20, 2006 at 12:16 pm (Relating to Work)

This is a fictional conversation made up while two coworkers were talking that fake office talk I mentioned in one of my first blogs…

Rich and I are playing off on how stupid their conversations truly are.   We were IM'ng these statements to each other, pretending to be them, while the fake conversation was within earshot.  It definitely helped sustain the displeasure of having bloody ears and distraught equilibrium from actually listening to said conversation.

Kyrish:                oh yes

Kyrish:                the lake

Kyrish:                cant wait

Kyrish:                i'll get my "skidoo"

Rich:                yeeeeeeeeeeaaahhhhhhh

Rich:                me neither

Kyrish:                note pronunciation

Kyrish:                not skee-doo

Kyrish:                but skid-doo

Rich:                all the non animal by product beer

Rich:                its a great time

Kyrish:                yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh

Rich:                that wave runner

Kyrish:                maybe my J Crew swim trunks

Kyrish:                and my coach floatees

Rich:                o my god…..I have those in blue

Rich:                they are soooooooo cute

Rich:                dave so doesnt like that

Rich:                it doesnt represent the "bidonkydong"

Kyrish:                dave only wears his yellow swim trunks

Kyrish:                because it matches his snow mobile

Kyrish:                and i can't stay too long in the water, the tofurkey makes me gassy and  bloated.

Rich:                yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah

Rich:                i i tried baking it

Rich:                but it was too rubbery

Kyrish:                yeaaaaaaaaaah

Kyrish:                what i do is, i put it on the grill

Kyrish:                but not the meat grill

Kyrish:                thats daves side

Kyrish:                its yellow too

Kyrish:                to match the snow mobile

Rich:                yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhh

Kyrish:                he painted the grill one day

Kyrish:                but he never does the sheetrock!

Kyrish:                im like, "Daaaave!

"Rich:                and I was like totally flipping

Rich:                like

 Rich:                my parents are coming in 2 weeks!!!

Kyrish:             so i decided, you know what, dave?  i'm going to the outlets!

Rich:                in LEE

Rich:                because those are better than the lake george ones

Rich:                and none of the stores have yellow

Kyrish:              theres more J crew stuff there

Permalink Leave a Comment

Its only 9 AM…

June 19, 2006 at 9:28 am (Relating to Work)

And already I can tell that the suckitude of this day can only be verified by living through it.

I don't have much work to do today because one of my co-workers is out, and she is/was waiting on a report from someone else. (i'm the 3rd degree in this project… How unbelievably efficient we are.)

And in case you missed the sarcasm on that, YOU'RE A GODDAMN MORON.

This weekend, like all weekends past, has gone by too quickly.  I realized a while ago that when you start working 5 days out of the 7, and the other 2 are spent running errands, fulfilling social/family obligations, and doing the 2 loads of laundry you manage to rack-up every week because you are forced to wear 3+ outfits a day (work attire, running/sweaty attire, evening attire, and, depending on your daringness to walk around nude in your not-so-well-covered and unmistakeably bachelor-esque windows with no curtains apartment, sleep-ware, you are looking at TOO MUCH DAMN CLOTHING) that you really run out of time, and you are left to wonder to yourself, "how has this time gone by so quickly?"

Gone are the weekends where you spend most of your time recoverring from the night past, hanging around, making the rounds to all the nearby dorms, and just relaxing with college buds.  Now it becomes, "oh man, I haven't seen them in a while, even if they are just 15 minutes drive away from me… I have to make time to see them, but I can't because of …"

those … 's translate to: Birthdays, Weddings, more birthdays, and more weddings.  And when all that is over, you become too cheap to even splurge on the 1 gallon ($3) worth of gas to meet said person.  "why don't we meet over lunch?" becomes "how about i just call them after 9 PM when its free"

So if we spend 5/7Th's of our life sitting at a desk, staring at a monitor, then getting out, saying, "man, that sucked, now i'm going to jog, then shower, watch PTI in the background while cooking some 1-minute pasta, (which of course, you some how fuck up, making some big ordeal with the milk boiling over, running out of butter, all while trying to hear Kornheiser rip into Wilbon for enjoying the company of Mark Schlereth in his hot tub) and THEN go out." It's already become 7 PM.  and you've spent the last 12 hours doing shit you don't really deem worthy of mentioning unless you're currently sitting at your desk wondering how to pass time.

This leaves us with only 2/7th's of the week/month/year trying to do everything and anything you can.  and when you've done that, you become BROKE.  so lets reduce that 2/7Th's to 1.5/7Th's.  Of that, you can pretty much attest that there is about 1 day every weekend where there is SOMEWHERE you have to be.  Whether its family, a wedding, or dealing with a friend overdosing on crystal meth because he thought it would be cool to buy pot from some guy named "Azlar," a well-known scumbag who told him it was "High quality shit, maaan," There is always a pre-existing function to be killing your own time, which we can deem as 0.5 days on average. 

This leaves you with 1 full day, out of 7, to yourself.

and then you realize, real life sucks.

Authors Note: To my knowledge, I don't ever recall anyone O.D'ing on crystal meth, nor do I keep in contact with someone who frequents that narcotic.  I figured it was funnier than the word "shrooms" or "crack-cocaine."  Contrarily, "PCP" would have been funny as well, but I was going for the home run, not an over the wall double.  I did, however, witness some kid tripping BALLS off acid right next to the Lionheart pub, being restrained by officers while he yelled out, "GET OFF ME MOTHER FUCKERS I FUCKING HATE YOU MOM YOU FUCKING BITCH I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU STUPID WHORE SHIT" even though his mother was clearly no where to be found.  Talk about blaming someone else for your issues…  my friends and I sat there, around 1 AM that night, witnessing this debacle, and simply said to ourselves, "man, only white people do this shit.  only white people." 

Knowing full well that if any one of us pseudo-dark but incontestably non-white folk were within reach of the PO-lice, we would have had our asses beaten and a smoking gun placed eerily close to our fingers.  And some pre-snorted coke smudged on our faces.

Permalink 2 Comments

Next page »