Week 2 NFL wrap-up

September 19, 2006 at 10:14 am (Sports rants)

Here’s where I comment on every NFL game, even if it needs no commentary.  And so I begin…


Tampa Bay Vs. Atlanta

Why even bother passing the ball when your running game is that good?  The Falcons tallied 458 yards on the ground.  Most teams don’t tally that much TOTAL yardage.

Vick opted not to pass, and took to his feet on numerous occasions.  It seems Tampa Bay and their once-known “Vick Stopper” in Derrick Brooks can not do what they need to when it comes down to it.


Detroit Vs. Chicago

Detroit let Rex Grossman pass for 4 TD’s.  I think that should say enough.

Side note: Lions wideout Roy Williams posed after catching a first down.  They were down by 10 at this point.  When asked why he posed, Williams responded with, “its not my fault the Lions are so bad, but I should be rewarded for making a first down.” (SIC)


Cleveland Vs. Cincinnati

I really hope no one actually bet that Cleveland would even come close to their spread.  Whatever the spread was, you should have known Cleveland would not have been able to cover it.  Cincy wins this one big time.  Palmer looks like 2005 Palmer.  That’s good.


N’Orleans vs. the Pack

The Packers actually played like they should have, where it would be a high-flying, no-defense game.  I think the only difference between Brett Favre on Sunday and Brett Favre of last year is that people (Donald Driver) actually CAUGHT his passes.  And therein lies the solution.  GET BETTER RECEIVERS.  Side note: Green Bay signed Koren “0.08 BAC” Robinson.  Perhaps he was signed because he has good hands.  Perhaps he was signed because him and Maurice Clarrett were AA meeting buddies, and they are looking 3 ½ years into the future.  Also, New Orleans looked pretty good, barring a horrendous 1st half for Brees.  I hate to use the cliché, but it was a regular “gun-slinging” matchup between Brees and Favre.


Peyton Manning Vs. the Texans

Don’t you think it’s a bit wrong that Tony Dungy kept Manning in and kept calling passing plays?  I appreciate the fantasy points, but still, one would hope you’d protect your franchise players!  By the way, no one gives a crap about the Texans, anyway.


Buffalo Vs. Miami

Culpepper’s passes were pretty poor.  Say that 5 times fast. 

Daunte just looked uncomfortable.  This should have been a guaranteed win.


**BREAKING NEWS:  T.O. Just had an Egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast.  More details later on. **


Carolina Vs. Minnesota


“well, we’re up a TD, theres only 5 minutes or so to play… what the hell, lets go BONKERS and throw a trick play in there.”  Great job, Dick-face.  This isn’t College Football, where bootlegs and laterals are requirements.  Just return the ball, run down the clock, and kick a field goal to make it a 2 score game.  Penis mouth.  Ryan Longwell, Minnesota’s Kicker, scored all 16 of Minnesota’s points, with 3 Field goals and a TD pass to take the game into OT.

From ESPN.com:  “I should’ve kept the ball.”  — Chris Gamble, Punt returner and horrible lateral-passer.


G-men Vs. the Eagles

I’m not going to lie, I turned this game off during the 3rd quarter, because the G-men were playing almost as bad as the Raiders were.  I would deem this more as the Eagles losing than the Giants winning.  And since it’s impossible to not talk about T.O. when we talk about the Eagles, I bet they could have used T.O. as a cornerback, because he’s so tall and so strong, that he could have covered Plaxico Burress on that “walk-off” Touchdown.


Oakland vs. Baltimore

I checked CBS Sportsline’s updated stats on Aaron Brooks, and all it said was: 2 Fumbles Lost.  Note, there were NO PASSES THROWN, CAUGHT, runs, etc.  How does this man suck so hard?  How do the Raiders manage to suck so hard?  Would they even be able to win a flag football league in Plattsburgh?


St. Louis vs. San Francisco

Either the 49ers offense has gotten significantly better, or the Rams Defense sucks as hard as the Raiders Offense.  Where did Marc Bulger go?  Anybody?  Anybody?


Arizona vs. Seattle

I really thought this was going to be a higher-scoring game.  I guess Kurt Warner didn’t thank Jesus loud enough after last week’s game.


Kansas City Vs. Denver

Yet another game I would have thought would have been a high-scoring affair.  This one  was flat out boring.  But it does not come close to the Jags-Steelers game (as mentioned below)


Patriots Vs. The Jets

Not going to lie, after watching the G-men come back to win in OT, I actually had a false sense of hope that Pennington could do the same.  I guess theres only 1 miracle in NYC this time.


Tennesee Vs. San Diego

Wow, Tennesee’s defense sucks SO HARD that LT2 rested the 2nd half, and his backup, Michael Turner, Racked up 138 yards rushing.  Hell, Phillip Rivers had 235 yards passing.

Washington Vs. Dallas

This game wasn’t about Washington’s terrible offense, or Brunell’s lack of QB skill, or Bledsoe’s lack of mobility.  Nope, none of that.  It was all about T.O. breaking his right ring finger. 


Pittsburgh Vs. Jacksonville

If we take away the fact that a field goal was worth 3 points instead of 1, we would have a score of 3 kicks to nothing.  Does this seem like a 1 sided soccer match to you?  No?  Of course not, no one wants to watch something as low-scoring as that.

Hear that, FIFA?  Change the scoring… Headers are worth 6, Bicycle kicks = 7, Penalty shots =3, and you can add trick-points to that based on judges decision on how tough the shot was.

 And to conclude, following that breaking report on T.O.’s breakfast sandwich, he said it was pretty good.  He even discarded the wrapper in the garbage can.  And his fart smelled of a mixture of pungeant aroma’s, a blend of Cumin and Paprika.


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NFL wrapup – week 1

September 12, 2006 at 11:18 am (Sports rants)

Tuesday Morning wrap-ups of the week, which include little bits here and there –

Miami vs. Pittsburgh – Daunte definitely did not look 2004, definitely looked 2005.  Not a good sign for the Dolphins.  I’ll give him a break though, 1st week after a serious surgery with a new team.  He will need to step it up.  Ronnie Brown got 2 TD’s, but barely any yardage.  Same goes for his counterpart from back in the Auburn days, where the caddilac was seemingly on cinderblocks without wheels, rushing for only 24 yards.  yikes.

Pats vs. Buffalo – the Bills shocked me, taking a 17-7 lead, scoring off a quick Brady fumble.  I actually thought they were going to pull off a huge upset.  I was wrong, losman made a mistake that High School kids are told not to do.  Brady looked bad without good WR’s.  Lets Hope Chad Jackson comes up HUGE.  Sidenote:  the pats got SCREWED with Branch.  and GOOD for branch.  The pats dared him to get better money from someone else, and he did.  2 people offered 6 million more GUARANTEED MONEY.  They were even willing to give N.E. a #1 Pick, even though branch was a SECOND ROUNDER.  New England asked for too much, Branch called them out on it, threatened to get an arbitrator, and N.E. caved in.  I hope Branch will become Seatle’s #1 WR soon.

New Orleans vs Cleveland – 2 Words: Reggie. Bush.  This guy truly brings a dynamic to their offense.  They have a true up-the-middle RB ins Deuce McAllister, and a guy who can break a 40 yard run just as quickly as catching a 40 yard diving TD reception.  Wow.  I thought it was too much hype.  Granted, it was cleveland, but the Browns Defense isn’t as bad as you would think. 

Seattle vs Detroit – how the HELL did this game suck so hard?  the game was 9 – 6.  thats 5 Field goals.  hwo the HELL did Martz’s Detroit offense not do anything?  how the HELL did seatle not hang 40 on these fools?  Seatle had the leagues most potent offense last year WITHOUT their main Wideout in Darrell Jackson.  something has to be wrong.

NYJ  vs Tennesee – the first half of this game sucked HARD.  i was debating playing Madden instead of watching this crap.  the second half was a LOT better, where Pennington FINALLY played like he should have been playing.  the Jets defense was nothing to F with, either.  Although this 1 win will be 25% of their total wins this year.

Cincinatti vs KC – LJ didn’t do as well as he should have.  the Bengals had 6 or 7 sacks.  Surprisingly, no one missed their parole meeting after the game, either.

Denver vs St. Louis – Wow Jake plummer sucks a lot.  in one of my fantasy Leagues, the dude scored a NEGATIVE 12!!!!  weekly update as for starting Denver RB: Tatum Bell.

Baltimore vs. Tampa Bay – as I mentioned earlier, Cadillac was in neutral, Chris Simms was in reverse, and the Ravens Defense was like a mack truck with 8 gallons of NOs.  This was probably a fun game to watch defensively, too bad I didn’t get a chance to see it.

Atlanta vs Carolina – And i thought this was actually going to be a game.  Vick was pretty good, but he needs to step up the passing game as well as scare other teams a little more with the run.  I wonder why they dont have vick run all the way to the left, fake a run, bring all the Defenders with him, then toss a pass ALL the way to the right, and have the WR break straight through.

Philly vs. Houston – David Carr can play, as long as he’s standing up.  Donnovan looked great, but we are talking about Houston’s Defense.  Lets see how he does against the G-men. hey Rich, ERIC MOULDS SUCKS A BIG FAT DONKEY DICK.

Chicago vs. Green Bay – its not that the Bears offense is any good, it’s that the Packers Defense is THAT BAD.  if REX GROSSMAN lights you up, you’ve got some issues.

San Francisco vs Arizona – ALL OFFENSE.  this would have been fun to watch, too.  Frank gore was a BEAST, Arizona’s passing game was SICK, and it actually came down to a 4th and 12, and Alex Smith did not look bad at all (finally) as he definitely was able to lead his team through some plays.  they did lose, though, which was obviously going to happen.

TO vs. Jacksonville – this is really what it seemed to be.  Every freaking camera over was to TO.  I DONT CARE ABOUT THAT FOOL.  the media has made me sick of TO more than TO has made me sick of TO.  i don’t know how that’s even possible.  Drew Brees looked flat-out BAD.  (he got outplayed by Kurt WARNER)

Indy vs NY – good game, RUINED by all those clips of peyton and Eli being all faggoty as kids.  Seriously, i watched more of Peyton and Eli during commercials and those clips then i did in the game. NY played as best they could have against the Colts, I’ll give them that.

Minnesota vs. Redskins – I had no interest in watching this, and rightfully so.  It blew hard.  who really cares who wins, Portis wasn’t starting, so it wasn’t the redskins best anyway.  But the redskins have lost 5 in a row now if you include the pre-season.

San Diego vs. Oakland – HAHAH.  Oakland sucked harder than any other team has sucked before.  I think the 49ers could beat the raiders 6 out of 10 times.  And of course I can’t type this without saying that Ladainian Tomlinson looked FLAT-OUT amazing, and Gates got his with a TD.  the 3rd quarter was TERRIBLE though, where for about 10 of the 15 minutes, all they did was go 3rd and long, and punt back and forth to each other.

There you have it, all games wrapped up, in a nice little package.  Maybe by the end of this week i’ll put in my premonitions.

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Jason Whitlock has lost his mind.

August 31, 2006 at 2:48 pm (Sports rants)

For those of you who do not know, Jason Whitlock is a writer for the Kansas City Star.  He is officially part of the Associated Press.  He is allowed to vote on such things as BCS standings, Heismann winners, etc.

this is an excerpt from his latest ESPN column on Page 2:

“Jeff [George] is like the hottest girlfriend you ever had.”

Granted, that seems to have been taken in context, but let me let you read that statement 1 more time.

read it again.



Whitlock does come back with this statement, which gives him some explanation as to his thoughts:

“Oh, she might’ve been bat-spit crazy, slept with all of your boyz and is in need of medication, but two or three months after the breakup all you really remember is the great sex, the weekends in Vegas and the two-month, drama-free period when you thought you’d found your very own Halle Berry.

And you know what? Under the right conditions, you’d take her back, and you’d even bring her around your boyz again. But there would be no talk of a serious relationship, no public affection, no contact with your parents, very little kissing, and you’d eat out at Applebee’s or maybe Red Lobster on a special occasion.”

Rest of the article HERE

Now, I get the fact that Jeff George can throw a football, but why not call up Uncle Rico for a tryout as well?  I mean, after all, Uncle Rico can throw a football over them there mountains.

Whitlock is entitled to call Jeff George a hot ex-girlfriend, but in his analogy, he states that the ex-girlfriend has already slept around with “your boyz.”  Umm, you don’t think “your boyz” are going to ridicule you for this?  even worse, you don’t think she won’t do it again?

Lets face it, Whitlock has said a variety of things that can be down-right ridiculous (see: Joey Harrington will take Daunte Culpeppers starting spot) but I think this takes teh cake.  Jeff George has not been a professional athlete since 2001.  I can’t wait until he runs away from a on-coming sack, only to break his ankle falling to the ground. 

 Besides, didn’t the raiders try this gimmick with Kerry Collins???

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obsessed with Fantasy Football?

August 31, 2006 at 11:43 am (Sports rants)

I’m absolutely certain that fantasy football has taken off primarily because of all us cubicle-dwelling saps who need something to talk about at work.

I don’t think i’ve ever seen commercials for Fantasy football prior to this year, but these ones  are just too funny. (click the videos on the right)

anyway, people who drone on, day in and day out, about the weather, about how much (or how little) work we have to do, or about totally un-important issues like staining decks, fattening up kids, buying $1500 earings for girlfriends, or whatever the case may be, now have something to do and talk about.  Monday’s can be spent talking smack about what happened on Sunday, and how your team is “destined to win” because of the lead you currently have, and Tuesdays are spent complaining about how, in some miraculous turn of events, Tatum Bell rushes for 26 yards on 1 carry in the closing minutes of the Monday night game, to cause you to lose by 0.5 points to the other fantasy team (true story.)  Wednesday might be the only day where you are not discussing fantasy football, but I highly doubt that.  Might be considerring trades on wednesday, or hoping your waiver-wire acquisition of Samkon Gado might actually propel you into “elite status” among your fantasy bretherens.

Thursday is the day the injury report comes in.  Is Tom Coughlin claiming Tiki is doubtful, just to confuse the other team, and of course, making you shit your pants?  Will Coughlin try to pull a rope-a-dope maneuver, which sends you scurrying to your computer 5 minutes before kick-off?

Fridays, of course, bring on the traditional trash talk.  “Damn straight, Jerious Norwood’s gonna come through like hell on wheels, MOFO!” or “don’t you worry, LJ will break his leg tommorow when he faces Kimo Von Oelhoffen”

Which then brings you to the weekend.

Truly very grand.

God forbid your team sucks it up because you had Jamal Lewis AND Daunte Culpepper on your squad last year, with Javon Walker as your main Wide-out.

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Isaiah is at it again…

August 17, 2006 at 12:19 pm (Sports rants)

I’m just not shocked any more…. Isaiah has reportedly tried to get Chris Webber and his 42 millions over 2 years contract, to probably be the biggest failure of all, in a “go big or go home” ideaology.  

Chris Webber, still hampered by the aftermath of microfracture knee surgery at 33, is due more than $42 million over the next two seasons — a perfect fit for the Knicks’ seemingly infinite budget… The 76ers have approached the Knicks … about Webber, league sources say, but weren’t offered enough.

The package offered by Thomas starts with Quentin Richardson (with his back issues and $33.8 million over four seasons left on his contract) and Maurice Taylor (whose $9.75 million contract expires after this season)

  • The rest of this article found here

Let me sum it up this way:  The Knicks want to get C-Webb’s bad knees at 21 million a piece for the next 2 years.  They picked up Jared Jeffries at 5 million a season (or 1 million per point scored a game) to backup C-webb, and they’ve got 5 year, 33 million dollar Jerome “I played well enough the final week to get dope money from the knicks, even though i suck harder than Chris Dudley” James to come off the bench and backup Eddie “my heart might explode any second” Curry. 

And to top it off, they have two undersized shooting guards making over 100 million each, trying to play point guard, while your small forwards are Jalen Rose (42 mil) and the now-retired yet still making 16+ million a year Allan Houston, and they are still paying $10 million for a coach who they fired.

now that is a rant.  and the Knicks plain suck.

I’m totally expecting to see this headline by January: “Hakeem Olajuwon out of retirement, Don’s Knicks 34 Jersey, signs for 1 year, 32 million.”

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Maurice Clarrett – inmate# 9782321

August 9, 2006 at 10:12 am (Sports rants)

It was reported this morning that Maurice Clarrett, once a College Freshman STANDOUT Running Back from Ohio State, whom, if you all haven’t heard by now, dropped out of school immediately after his freshman year on misdemeanor falsification on a police report, then tried to sue the NFL because of its draft rules of eligibility (and lost,) has now been arrested on yet another charge. 

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Maurice Clarett was arrested early Wednesday after a highway chase that ended with police using Mace on the former Ohio State running back and finding four loaded guns in his truck, a police spokesman said.

Officers used Mace to subdue Clarett after a stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said.

“It took several officers to get him handcuffed.”

Was he going to war?  Was he trying to save Morpheus?  What the HELL does a former Running back turned armed-robber need a BULLET PROOF VEST and 4 LOADED GUNS for?

I see two scenarios happening over here…

First one being a real-life facsimile of “The Longest Yard” Where he becomes the star Running Back of the Ohio all-prison team.

Second scenario: “The Cincinatti Bengals have posted bail and have signed Maurice Clarrett to a 5 year, 15 million dollar deal.  The Bengals then celebrated by cleaning out the closest Guns-N-Ammo store, shot up a near-bye liquor mart, all while raping and pillaging a small city outside of Cincinatti.  And as a side note, the Cincinatti Bengals have changed their uniforms from Black and Orange to Black and White stripes.  player numbers will now be 8 digits, as opposed to the usual 2, and any player who fumbles will get 6 days in the hole.”

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absolutely tired of baseball

August 1, 2006 at 4:11 pm (Sports rants)

It’s bad enough that it’s taking over EVERYTHING and its on at ALL TIMES of the day, but I hate having to read bout A-rod not deserving boo’s, hearing marrioti yelling at Stat boy about why we should / shouldn’t care about a 31 game hitting streak.

seriously? 31 games?  the record is 56.  Let the world know when he gets to 49.

It’s the one sport where the players don’t seem to give a crap about how they do in that game, because, hell, tommorow is another one.

Yes, I totally understand that it is this countries past time, and more often than not, if you are “playing hookie” from work, you are probably at a Cubs / Dodgers / Red Sox game, but lets be serious here, it’s not like its GOLF, people.  (tongue-in-cheek joke here)

I’m just saying, I am so in the need for football, that I actually care that Steve Smith’s hamstring hurts. 

It affects mock-drafts, people.  YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!

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How does Isaiah manage to do this??

July 31, 2006 at 9:54 am (Sports rants)

This is absolutely unbelievable.

the New York Knicks have managed to pick up an EXACT DUPLICATE of Jerome James.

Reportedly, the Knicks have signed Jared Jeffries to a 5 year, 30 million dollar deal.

Jeffries has averaged 6.1 points and 4.9 rebounds a game.

just to translate, that equals approximately 1 million dollars a point, or 1.2 million for a rebound.

And we are talking about a guy who played on the Washington Wizards last year, with Gilbert “O” Arenas, who has more than a tendency to let a shot fly. 

Q:How hard would it have been to get a rebound that carromed off an errant three, only to extend your arms and put it back in? 

A: about 6 million dollars worth of difficulty.

Maybe next month, the Knicks can over-pay for a trade with Darius Miles and his parole officer.  How would they manage to overpay, you ask?  Isaiah will probably be the first to trade locations with the Portland Jailblazers.

I’m so glad i’m not a Knick fan.  Watching this team go straight to the sh***er is amusing, in a schaudenfreude type of way.

Why not have Reggie Miller night, while you’re at it?

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Tour de France

July 27, 2006 at 5:52 pm (Sports rants)

I dont care what the French say about Landis, even if he was doping, it’s the French.

They’re still trying to get Lance Armstrong.

DISCLAIMER: here comes a little ebonical yelling:


Also, Charles Barkley for Governor?  Why the shit not, you’re Alabama.  You could use ANYTHING to have people talk about you.  Why not have Barkley fight Schwarzenegger, loser’s state gives $1 Mil to the winning state for blacktop for roads/replenishment of silicone, depending on who wins.

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Random Sports notes

July 24, 2006 at 9:51 am (Sports rants)

– Think Ricky Williams can get a doctor’s note for Medical Marijuana for his broken forearm?  I’m willing to bet 8.6 Million dollars it won’t matter. 

– For every Bengal arrested, an angel gets it’s wings.

– T.O. caught on film eating Chunky Soup, later on denies it, claiming it was Healthy Choice.  Then writes about it, and claims that’s a lie, too.

– not only are all the Yankee’s problem’s A-rod’s fault, he was the reason the stock market crashed in the 80’s, he caused the great depression, he let the dogs out, and he is the reason Affirmative Action is holding back the white’s from getting good jobs.  (and he also provided ideas to Enron’s top decision-makers)

– Did anyone else notice Sergio Garcia’s new sponsor: the Banana Boat?

– While watching ESPN classic, the sports ticker shows “Former NBA All-Star Shawn Kemp arrested on drug charges.”  Sadly, the ticker wasn’t a classic.

– Yao’s comment, “Do i look like a guy with a foot injury?” causes him to trip over a small house.

– French open will start off with inaugural meet-and-greet head butting.

– Barbaro update: not glue.  Yet.

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