without further adieu…

January 9, 2007 at 11:27 am (Relating to Work)

My immediate apologies for not updating this sooner.

Let me catch you up to date:

November – pretty busy month, also the month that good ol’ RBo got terminated.

Not very cool.


This obviously was meant to be a defining “shock to our system” type of events, where my boss knew that RBo was not the issue, but the firing of him would be.


Don’t worry RBo, I poured water on the carpet for you, right along with Smoove and mini-smoove.


Immediately after that, our office went quiet.  No more personal e-mails, no more personal websites during work.  (Except for ESPN.)  Thus the reason for the giant layoff in blogging.


So anyway, this firing caused an even more significant rift between management (and I say that jokingly, being that the people I worked for were a bunch of chumps that couldn’t man up to anything, but that’s another story in which the RBo might want to delve into further) and us peons.  Almost immediately after, they hired some clown to come in and be “team leader” in an attempt to say, “well, if they won’t respect us, and we simply do not want Kyrish to be leader, might as well get a bald, no-teeth having 30 year old who probably get’s ID’d because he facially looks no older than Webster, hire him to be team leader.  Maybe then things will be ok.”


Yeah, not so much.


The week after RBo’s hand was forced, yours truly went on an interview within the company (different sub organization, same building) for another position.  Within a few days, Kyrish became corporate.  But of course, this couldn’t happen immediately, because the man they wouldn’t elect as team leader, obviously knew more technical information on the business then the rest. 


I had to ask my manager to be a reference, as it was an internal move, and so they requested a conversation with her.  At first I thought, “This could be bad.  This could be real bad”

Then it hit me:  If I was somewhat of a wild horse, un-muzzled, unbridled, and simply an angry employee (after all, they did fire my friend for no reason other than the fact that they couldn’t fire me) and they were afraid of me, why not give me a great review, so they could push their problem to someone else?


Works out for me.  Fresh start, new place, new people, more money, better benefits.  I can’t complain.


I couldn’t wait to tell these fools, “yo bitches, I’m out.  Mad ups to smoove, kid.  1 love to RBo, and all my other fallen brethren.”  But of course, due to the transition of knowledge in training, I was needed for another 3 weeks.  What helped me feel better about this elongated stay was the fact that it was Christmas time, and I didn’t want to have the added pressure of a new job along with the problems of finding time to look for gifts, and all that other consumerism bullshit that is totally unnecessary any more.  (side note:  I have not yet met anyone who doesn’t agree with me that this past holiday season did certainly not feel anything like past Christmas seasons.)  and the fact that there’s no better feeling than going into work every day with the mantras of the American worker:

·        if you give me 7 days to complete the task, I’ll start it on the 6th, and claim the deadline was unattainable.

·        Something went wrong? SO?  Does it LOOK like I care?

·        No I can’t give you a hand, I’m totally swamped over here.  I’ve got a 2 PM desk cleaning scheduled, and after that, I’m contemplating taking a 30 minute meeting at the water cooler.


I did you proud, RBo.


So new Team Leader guy comes in, and I need to spend most of my time training him on my stuff.  Do you know how many times I said, “nah, don’t worry about taking notes, it will come to you.”



mid way through training, the guy asks me, “So, when you’re gone, are we screwed?”


Yes, toothless Tim.  Yes you are.


Training took a while, primarily because mr. 30 year old with an MBA couldn’t figure out how to cut-and-paste anything, and on top of that, Dude had irritable Bowel syndrome.  Every 20 minutes or so he’d need to hobble his way to the bathroom.

Kind of reminded me of a little hobbit with a gunshot wound to the leg and the Gaul bladder the size of a golf ball.

So the last 3 weeks of work, I put it in Cruise.  Forwarded any e-mails that needed immediate attention, and didn’t bother answering my phone when certain people within the organization would call.  “Sorry, I was toooo busy, creating an exit strategy, backing up files, and creating documentation, not including the crazy amount of hours I spent training.”




My last week of work was dec. 27-29th (25th and 26th, mon. and tues., were days off) I had opted to take my remaining time off, but to come in for ½ a day, stretched out between two days (2 hours here, 2 hours there)

Believe it or not, I actually did work on the first day.  Then it hit me, “Screw these guys. Its Christmas time, I’m only here for 2 hours, and I’m leaving this job.”


This helped me immediately, as I just took everything from my inbox (about 113 unread items) and deleted them permanently.


“oh well, tough shit”


Did it help me?  Obviously.  I didn’t have to stress about anything.  I had an out of office assistant on.  Not my fault they relied on me.

If they needed me so much, why wasn’t I given a better job? Why did they have to hire someone external, whom I needed to train, to be MY team leader?




Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking?


In all honesty, yes, I did leave a fairly good backup plan, at least, so I thought I did.  Hasn’t stopped them from calling me every now and again looking for direction.


Now to bring you to speed on my new position:

I’ve been here a full week.  Last week I was busy, running around, gathering up information on what I was to do.  This week, both my bosses have called in sick, have left no plans, no work to be done, and so everyone is left to take care of their normal day-to-day activity.


But I don’t have any day-to-day activities yet.


So yesterday, I scheduled a meeting with my Xbox 360.


Today I think I shall schedule a meeting with a mr. B. Barker.




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Work Sucks

September 28, 2006 at 7:39 pm (Relating to Work)


here’s a great idea to boost morale…

firstly, you give everyone monkey work, which can easiley be described as monotonous, droning work that even a simple ape could do while drunk off a bottle of Jim Beam.

next step, you yell at the monkeys for slacking off when there is no monkey work to be done, because it has all been completed in a timely fashion and done well.  (because lets face it, even if i was a ‘Tard with down syndrome and no arms, I would still be able to do this work)

finally, 10 minutes after you threaten to fire them, you give them even more monkey work, with the phrases, “these are very important” and “an auditor WILL come knocking, asking you questions that even I dont know, and expect you to take responsibility for this”

Hey, thanks for making an employee feel wanted, welcomed, and enthusiastic to try hard.


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total whackness

September 1, 2006 at 1:40 pm (Relating to Work)

We had another TOTALLY AWESOME (totally sarcastic) party today.  but, there WAS free pizza.  So that’s a plus.  But it was totally filled with lame-ass conversations, stupid-ass jokes, and there was definitely a mention of “removing the deck of lawn chairs” as a weekend activity.  Totally lame.  It was about as bad as going to the dentist and not getting enough anesthesia.  No, wait, I digress.  It was about as bad as having a live bird shoved up your ass. 

think about it,

what’s worse than having a bird shoved up your ass?

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August 30, 2006 at 2:53 pm (Relating to Work)

my god, if I really had anything worth writing, it would be that cubicle dwelling truly reaches the epitome of suckitude when you have nothing better to do, and are forced to stare at your monitor all day.

I had work to do, but Its done. NOW WHAT?

that’s what brings me to this blog.  Usually i’m upset about something, but in this case, I’m upset about nothing.

I don’t really know what’s worse… when you’re bogged down with work, time flies.  When you’re not, you truly feel like your in some form of timeless, barren planet with other monkeys in cubicles, pressing on daily tasks that mean nothing when you take a step back from “reality.”

I don’t know why, but i’ve got all this energy to burn, and nothing to do with it.  I actually had the urge to run down the stairs, just so i can run back up.  I’ve walked to the window a minimum of 10 times today, and I think i’ve almost had my fill of football conversations, wich only makes me more sad that I am actually anticipating something that starts 8 days from now.

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How do some of these people get Jobs???

August 29, 2006 at 12:14 pm (Relating to Work)

This is an actual conversation, the only things changed are the names, and reporting information.  We had this conversation through our Intranet Instant messenging system.  What baffles me is, She is 1 level higher than my boss, in official term. 

Arvia – hi
Kyrish – hello
Arvia – for the report julian is using to capture held invoices, is that just —– data?
Kyrish – I dont know, I have not seen Julians report, I am not Julian, and I am not on his distribution list
(there is silence, and because she is retarted, I contact Julian FOR her)
Kyrish – this is what Julian says: for the one I send now yes, but I am working on a new one.
Arvia – i don’t understand
Arvia – would like to know if you do another report for ____ as well as _____.
Kyrish – I do not, Richard creates the report.
Kyrish – that is done weekly on mondays.
Arvia – and that would be similar to what you do?
Kyrish – similar in aspects, yes.
Arvia – will you ask julian to work with rich to make sure we capture that data as well?
Kyrish – His e-mail address is ________@_______.com, I dont think it would be right for me to ask him on behalf of you.

Seriously… how the HELL did they hire her?  were they like, “hey, you sound stupid as shit, but we need another mexican lady, YOUR HIRED!”

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pour some liquor for our homies

August 18, 2006 at 3:17 pm (Relating to Work)

B-smoove has moved on.

it’s a sad day in the office.

i will go back to pour some liquor on the already crappy and stained carpets in honor of smoove.

1 love, son.  1 yo’self.

we fly the flag at half-staff for you today, Smoove.

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August 17, 2006 at 3:28 pm (Relating to Work)

yeah, another fatty moo-cow cake meeting today.

This one was SPECIAL, though.

Tommorow is officially B-smoove’s last day. 

If you don’t recall who B-smoove is, FOR SHAME!

my company hd a contract with another company to send over IT consultants, all of whom are Indian. 

There is Swapnil, aka “Swappy,” who truly is a hater.  Dude talks all this smack about junk, always looks like he’s going to have an embolism, and always seems to be shouting.  Word on the street is, he’s played out like a lou diamond phillips movie.  None of the “uppity folk” (known as my bosses) like him.  We’ve seen him as “the pusher.”  He also holds umbrella’s for B-smoove.

 And he looks like a duck.

Then there is Nitin, aka “N-bomber.”  He get’s his nickname because he farts and burps a LOT at his desk.  he’s 40, like 5’6″, maybe 150 lbs.  and REEKS something fierce.  Desiree, who sits next to him, had to buy a glade plug in. Rich and I are convinced that N-bomber goes home, walks around in a stainded wife beater and boxers, drinks massive amounts of alcohol, and shoots his gun at the ceiling while yelling at his wife.  I’m willing to bet he would burn his wife to death if she makes a bad dinner.

There’s YRD (no kidding, thats his first name) aka “the YERD.”  Turns out, The YERD has been here the longest out of them all.  That establishes him as an OG.  very quiet, very passive.  Probably lays his pimp-hand down at home, after he berates his wife for making “sub-standard chicken curry” 

We’re not even going to talk about “steven,” aka SVS, aka Sweater Vest Steve.  Everyone hates on him.  he’s now on the same level as Jughead from Archie comics.

And finally, we commence with Bipin, aka B-smoove.  There is absolutely no question that this man is truly the pimp of all pimps.  Just listening to him speak, the way he carries himself, and hte way he’s so calm and collected when there’s any issues, just shows you how deep his pimpdom goes.  He’s the guy who undoubtedly has bed more women than Wilt Chamberlain.  He’s the guy who you KNOW has herom’s.  He is the ring-leader of this indian squad, and that is how it always will be.

Now that i’ve given you a brief character description, I bring you to the main course.  We are sitting at the conference table, where O.B. tells B-smoove, “you should probably put your cell phone to vibrate during meetings.”  Smoove casually says, “No, it’s the venga boys, now.”

but the story does not end there, good people…. O.B. then states, “you must be a surgeon at your other job, I dont know anyone who gets more calls then you!”

my immediate thoughts:  Thats because he’s a pimp, and you’re a big herb.

then Someone else asks, “does your wife call you a lot?”

“No, my wife knows better than to call my cell phone.”


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things that upset me at my cubicle while i ponder life’s meanings

August 14, 2006 at 1:43 pm (Relating to Work)

our internet connection is so terribly poor, that I have typed this on MS Word, and will attempt to publish this numerous times with no avail.  Time of writing: 11:05 AM. Time of post: TBD.

With the internet down, it is virtually impossible to do a lot of things work-related.  My systems are Accounts Payable ELECTRONIC EXCHANGE.  Without the exchanging of electronics electronically, we are unable to have any accounts paid.  Electronically.

And with that, as a sub-context, is the flagrant misusage of the internet.  I have yet to read a full article at ESPN.com, as it has been loading for well over 20 minutes.

So I sit here, at my desk, ponderring lifes most ambiguous and ubiquitous questions.

Does living generally constitute breathing, eating, sleeping, and reproducing?  If so, what about insomniacs, anorexic’s, or the infertile?  Wouldn’t THEY truly be human’s handicapped?

Is the meaning of life to enjoy it, or to leave a mark in the world?  Either which way, it makes no difference to you when you’re worm-food.

Do you realize life’s cycle? the dead are worm-food, which we use as bait (fish food) and when we hook a fish, we eat it. (human food.)  Does this mean by law of Modus Tolens (if a > b, and b > c, then a > c) That we are cannibalistic?

what is the speed of smell?  If you fart, you usually hear it first.  What if it’s a silent fart?

Who really did let the dogs out?  More importantly, did they let the dogs out to defocate, or did they let them out to run away from their poor treatment?  If either was the case, shouldn’t we be glad that the dogs were left out, anyway?

And most important of all, why have we not figured out the answer to how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?  That commercial is almost 20 years old, i’m sure there must be SOME research on this….

Addendum: I have tried posting this for almost an hour, its 11:56 AM.  I went to the large window in the hallway, and this fat woman in a bright green shirt was talking on her cell phone to her husband, determining what they were going to eat for dinner.  My immediate thought was, “God, I wish i could kick her really hard, square in the back, Just to see her go through that window.  I’d bet it would make a pretty cool sound.”

Now you people should understand how important the internet is.  It keeps your sanity.

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Obligatory bull-ish

August 10, 2006 at 4:29 pm (Relating to Work)

“it would be really nice if you can drive 1 hour and 20 minutes away, to hang out with your older, sucky co-workers, making stupid-ass jokes about stupid-ass shit, all while looking at how nice a house your bosses boss has, because she is dope-rich.  also, bring something for breakfast.”

What. The shit.

if in case you haven’t figured it out, I have to get to my bosses boss’s house (yes, that grammar is correct) tommorow, about 75 miles away, for a 1/2 day of work, and a 1/2 day of “team building”

When I did this last year, it was the GAYEST thing you could have imagined.  You see older, nasty looking people you work with, wearing clothes they shouldnt be wearing. (for a nasty image, think of a 60 year old woman who is a bit rotund, wearing a tanktop, revealing what looks like movable cottage-cheese hanging underneath her very pale arms) And we all sat on a deck outside, and we did this 80-question personality test.  you know, the “INFJ EFNJ” type personality test, which can easily be manipulated?  Yeah, that was called a good time.


and of course, i have to go to the grocery store tonight and buy something for tommorow’s “FESTIVITIES.”  No, I will NOT bake anything for these fools.

you know what that means?  Price chopper is having a deal, buy a 6 pack of muffins, get anotehr 6 pack free!

basically, i’m spending $2.99 for a dozen muffins for these fat shits to gourge on, but conversely, am forced to drive approximately 150 miles round-trip, or about 5 gallons of gas at $3 a pop.

 thats some bull-ish right there.

enough to make me want to buy 4 guns and a bullet-proof vest to go along with my Bottle of half-drank grey goose.

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August 3, 2006 at 11:32 am (Relating to Work)

eggshells, son.

 mad eggshells.

And i’ve got the feet of Andre the Giant.

 That’s all i got to say right now.

More to come?

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