Office meetings SUCK

June 14, 2006 at 12:33 pm (Relating to Work)

We were ALL invited to attend a weekly office meeting, which honestly, has nothing to do with anything we are in control of / affected by.  Why we are there: because it would be "tactfully wrong of us not to go"

there were 16 people (including myself) at the conference table, about 5 conference-called in.

I figured, to keep myself awake during this abomination, I would write down all the bad/cornball jokes, and take down minutes of the meeting IN TRANSLATION.

firstly and foremostly, with deepest regrets, B-smoove was not there.

(B-smoove is an indian dude, like 40 or so, and Rich and I are pretty sure this guy is about as PIMP as Pimp could be.  This cat has others HOLD UMBRELLAS FOR HIM [Rich and I were witness to this,] gets everyone else to do his bidding, and we are about 95% sure he hits more clubs in a week than we ever have during our respective college years.  We also believe he has a herom of about 400-450 women at his disposal)

so the fact that Smoove was missing, truly made this meeting more pathetic than possible, as I will document below.

(Side note:  B of O made his stupid laugh heard 3 times, along with quite a few side-chuckles of his own.  Man he sucks.)


11:00 – Dead men walking, as we enter conference area.

11:04 – Head boss (60 year old angry female) says, "Think its time to get the boys in the hood" in reference to 3 REALLY indian guys.  Don't know what 'hood she's from… Calcutta?

11:05 – everybody is there, fake-smiling, knowing full-well their lives are worthless, and this is just a magnification of suckitude.

11:07 – someone on the conference call says, "yup, i'm here, LIVE AND IN PERSON! IN THE HOUSE!"  i'm thinking they are probably Arsenio hall "woop woop-ing" at their desk.

11:15 – check my watch.  Kill myself.

11:20 – its only been 5 minutes!?!

11:34 – I realize that no one at this meeting (conference people included) have a first name that starts with a vowel.  Yes, I am that bored.

11:40 – Watched B of O's screen saver.  It's of his kids.  Debating what hurts more – removing hte part of my brain that remembers this, or impaling myself on pencils.

11:41 – I result to plucking my chest hairs 1 by 1 to keep myself awake, and to punish myself for actually being at this table.

11:41:01 – I really wish i could read comics right now.

11:44 – I wonder If Balki and Cosin Larry ever had to do this.  I know Carl Winslow did, but he probably kept saying, "3 2 1… 1 2 3…. what the HECK is bothering ME!?!"

11:45 – someone says Elvis is taking care of that.  Joke, or do we really work with Elvis?

(come to the realization that some herb actually has the name 'Elvis.'  Now I wonder to myself… who is the bigger herb?  the guy named Elvis, or his parents for naming him?)

11:46 – Contemplating wrapping the conference call phone cord around my neck in self-asphixiation.

11:46:05 – B of O makes some stupid joke and laughs to himself.  I change my mind, and wonder if I might get applauded for choking O of B with said conference call cord.

11:50 – Some indian dude named Venkatesian is TOTALLY being punked on the phone.  Marla yells, "SHOULD YOU BE DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?"  all the GE folk chuckle. 

(Man, it must really suck, being punked and laughed at by the GE folk.  Thats like bailing out while trying to roof-jump your snow mobile while your wife is cooking Tofurkey dinner.)

11:51 – Marla comments about Venkatesian, "I didnt understand a WORD he said." OH SNAP!

12:00 – THANK GOD.  I'd rather be at my cubicle, slowly dieing a miserable death, than do this any longer.





1 Comment

  1. R BO said,

    I could not have said it any better. It is bad enough that we need to sit there, but why in the world does everyone feel the need to act and talk as if they are smart and successful??

    Case in point. Ms. Tofurkey. She really thinks who she is. During the meeting she said something to the effect of “That is a production team issue” and looked her saggy faced boss right in the face as if she were a Ivy league educated girl named Muffy. Bitch you live in Schnect. Nuff said.

    And I am not sure what is worse…OB having about 343 pics of his kid around his cubicle or having a 20 picture slide show of his kid as a screen saver. This guy just needs to drink a beer or 2 and slap himself back into manhood.

    I too felt sorry for the Indian guy. If B- Smoove was there, he would have told everone to back off, take the guy aside, slap him like a ho and say “GET IT TOGETHER MAN!!” Then go back to his desk and play Tetris.

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